Winter Blues

Its always inevitable....I dunno, a piece of me thought I would be able to bypass the winter blues this year. There has been alot of positive aspects and many just within the past month. But leave it to me to be down when there are nothing but blessings surrounding me. I am hoping that since this mini depression arrived earlier than normal, maybe the remainder of the winter will be more upbeat. It could just be the time off I have had, so I am alone with my thoughts more than normal. Christmas was great, but I was emotional. Even though my Grampie has been gone for three years now, and this is our 4th Christmas were he has not been present, it still hit hard when we were all gathered together and Grampie was not there....I stared at his picture on the mantel numerous times that day.
Tim's family is scattered in different parts of the country and I kept feeling like something was missing Christmas day when we were together with his family. I am looking forward to our couple weeks away this summer when we can spend time with his brother and family who don't live in the area. I have the best brothers and sisters in laws, and the greatest nieces and nephews an auntie can ask for.
I am praying to get through this winter without going back on my medication. The Lord graciously allowed me to lower my dose to nearly nothing this fall, and now I have been off them since Thanksgiving....so far so good.

I have salvation and a the "know" of my eternal security
I have a new home
I have great jobs
I have an amazing husband
My friends are the real deal and I know I can count on them for anything (they may be few, but a few real is way better than tons who aren't)

"The Climb" By Miley Cyrus

Our New Condo

Here is a video of our new condo. I took the video Christmas morning, so things are out of place here and there and we have since added curtains. Enjoy your tour!

Homeowners!!!!

**Picture Taken at our Closing**
Ah Yes!! FINALLY!!!
It was a looooong process, and not to mention probably one of the most stressful seven weeks I have EVER experienced!!!! Tim and I are happy homeowners. It's nothing extravagant, in fact it is smaller than the apartment we were renting, but this is a place to call our own. It is so great to look at the big picture and see how God orchestrated this whole thing. We visited the idea of buying a condo over a year and a half ago, and we very well could have afforded it then too, but something was telling us to wait a little longer. I am SO glad that we did. We put the idea on hold until we found a place that fit our budget and needs...we were constantly checking out listings and keeping in touch with our realtor. Well, I started working for a family this fall and got wind that there was a condo in their building that was on the market. How perfect would that be, cut my commute time down to almost nothing. We didn't act right away, but I was visiting the listing online quite frequently to see if anyone else was biting at the offer. Eventually, I contacted our realtor and said "what about this one..." and her response was "this is perfect!" We made an offer only two days after seeing it and it was accepted only a couple days after that. Then, the journey of becoming homeowners began. It was bumpy at times, there were things that we just could not speed up and were at the mercy of the person on the other side of the phone line...waiting, waiting, waiting. Our scheduled closing day came and went. Our original closing date was supposed to be November 19th, but we didn't close until the 30th. And in that span of time I started a new job and we took a trip to South Carolina....it got crazy for a bit there. But it eventually happened and we now reside in, what I must say, is a beautiful location with a view that could take your breath away, in a quiet secluded neighborhood. And we have our OWN front door...with a doorbell!!!! Its a quaint town home style condo with a living room and kitchen downstairs, and two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. We have a corner unit so we have a couple extra windows and neighbors on only one side. We over look the river and can hear it rushing when we open the window or go outside...its very peaceful here. I am two minutes from work and a 30 second walk from the family I work for in the afternoon. I am so glad that we waited and did not rush into buying last year, God clearly had a plan and it so awesome to feel like we are in His will.

Two Years...New Pics

Understanding Circumstances

I am wide awake at 11pm...tomorrow is Monday, this is not good. My mind is racing with all sorts of things...work, relationships, trying to understand circumstances beyond my control. What do I do with these thoughts so that I can sleep soundly? Pray. And then pray some more. I am ashamed that there was a time that I was ashamed of my faith....afraid of what others thought of me---so stupid to even let my mind wander down that road. I am grateful for the God I serve and love. It is because of Him that I am blessed with so many great people, relationships, and circumstances. I can search for answers all I want, but I have to rely that God will see me through it all....good, bad, and ugly. I can't imagine a life without God....not quite sure how others do it. I had a great conversation this weekend sharing our awe of how God allows things to happen and brings us through it. He has a purpose for it all, even when we don't see it at that moment. The post below this one is a great story of how God plans every step I take--yes, I have a free will and am able to make my own decisions, but He guides me to where He wants me to be.
I just found this poem online...totally gonna frame it

When I Say "I Am A Christian"

by Carol Wimmer

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian"
don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

Reflections and Blessings

So the college thing has been quite the roller coaster. Still, at age 29, I have not been able to put my finger on what I want to study. Honestly, I am happy with the jobs that I have, both are fulfilling on so many levels. I am at a conference this weekend that is geared toward direct support professionals....that is the hat I wear from 2:30 in the afternoon until whenever. This is somewhat along the lines of what I have done working in the schools and with the respite care I have provided. I found this job merely as a fluke. When I was released from my duties at my other job, I was quite frantic about finding something else and quick since the school year was pretty close to starting. I found myself perusing the adds on craigslist--not something that I generally do, there are some weirdos out there and applying for a job on craigslist scared me a little. I found this posting for a direct support professional--what's that, I never heard of it before. As I read through the post I thought to myself that I could do something like this since it is not far off from being a 1:1 aide in the schools or the after school care I provided Kierstin for a few years. Anyway, I sent my resume and a response was almost immediate. I got a call for an interview!! Then, I got scared, or maybe I should say I got skeptical. There are some illegitimate offers on craigslist. Anxiety is just a natural part of my thought process so I had to figure out how to find out if this position and people were what was claimed. So I did what any one could do in that situation...I Googled! First I reversed phone looked up their number and made sure that it matched the address that was given me. (Ya know, as I am writing this, I am feeling somewhat like a psycho...ugh) Anyway, alright check to that one. Then I Googled the name of the woman I was meeting at her home in just a few short days. TONS of hits....this chick is a big deal. All I could really gather is that her line of work had something to do working with those who have disabilities. But then I came across a link to book that was published, and in that book contained writings of parents of children with disabilities. A full copy of the book was online. She had written a poem, a beautiful at that, about her son--I read that and I was sold! I was sobbing and a peace came over me that I knew that this was something that I had to do. Still scared to my core because I had not really worked with someone of this particular disability and this age....nothing comes easy I suppose. So I met my potential supervisor and her son. Just that one meeting left me feeling blessed that I was able to meet two amazing people, and even if I did not get the job they had already managed to leave a life long lasting impression.
Well, long story short....when I received the call that they chose to hire me, I was excited and touched. I immediately accepted it without even thinking about it. I was touched because essentially they were bringing me in as a part of their family.
ok...fast forward...there could be lines and lines of more sappy stuff, but I will spare my readers (if there are any out there).
So I am at this conference this weekend, and I think maybe, just maybe, I have found my true calling. As I said before, I have changed majors numerous times and have yet to find my niche. I have been telling myself the past few months that I am ok with not having a degree....I love what I do and a degree is not necessary. But what I have learned this weekend is that I want to better myself. So, maybe a few classes in the area of human service--maybe eventually even a degree.
This job has quickly become so much more than a job. I fell in love with it within a month and can see myself working for this family on a very long term basis...Lord willing. I know that God has a plan and I do need to be mindful of that. But to think how God allowed everything that happened this past summer with my jobs and lead me to the current situation that I am in....I could not be more happy and more thankful. I have always been someone who has compassion for those who cannot advocate for themselves or have a hard time doing so, and I have seen that passion grow by leaps and bounds the past few weeks. I can't say enough how blessed I am. I do not only have a great family to work for, but I believe that I have found life long friends....It's easy to love those who have hearts of gold. If life ends up taking us down different paths that are beyond our control, it will not be the end of a great friendship that is beginning to take shape.
So now what, I guess find some classes that fit into my schedule. I am not going to over do it. But oh how I would love to see some product from all these years of college classes.

Jump For The Moon

This is my latest painting. Once I had the idea and gathered the supplies it only took a day to do. The poem was written by the mother of the 19yr old that I work with after school. They are amazing people.
The poem in the painting reads as...

Jump for the Moon!

You and I on a cool summer night
Walked the grass together in the still moonlight.
We were chasing fireflies running everywhere
Laughing and playing in the calm summer air.

I thought I, the teacher, must help you gain knowledge.
That night you taught me something I had not learned in college.
Although your verbal words at times are difficult to understand
You stopped running, said, “Mama,” and reached for my hand.

You hopped up and down looking up at the sky
So I hopped with you, not understanding why.
I was not sure what you were trying to express
I just hopped with you, hoping eventually to guess.

You looked up to the sky and with a soft voice said, “moo.”
I repeated what I thought you meant saying, “moo,” too.
“No,” you said abruptly, shaking your head.
I still was not sure what you had said.

So again you took my hand, hopped, and said, “moo.”
It was then that I realized you were trying to say “moon.”
“Jump for the moon?” I asked. Your eyes opened wide.
You nodded your head yes as we stood side by side.

So there we were in the serene moonlight
Jumping for the moon with all our might.
We jumped and reached our hands to the sky
Trying to catch that moon--my son and I.

Amir, my little prince, I do believe it is true
An abundance of people will learn a great deal from you.
Even though you have challenges you still have to meet
You’ll keep jumping for the moon, landing on your feet.

If you are now reading this brief little story,
Please take a moment and forget some of your worries.
If your life doesn’t always proceed as you’d planned
Trying jumping for the moon; on both feet you will land.

WWII Memorial

My grandfather, Donald F. Weeks, served our country in the Air Force during World War II. Recently a memorial was constructed in Manchester, NH to honor the veterans of that war who were from Manchester. Grampie passed away in May of 2006, I am thankful that he has left a legacy that can be shared with everyone.

Blast From The Past

It was so awesome!!! Sunday evening I met up with a former camp counselor.....and when I say former, I am talking like 14 years ago!!! Marcia, or "Myna" as she was referred to as at camp, was in Mass. for the week from Illinois. We have been able to keep in touch, for the most part, since I was 15 years old. I had the opportunity to have Marcia as my counselor the second week of my two week stay at New England Camp Cherith, a Christian girls camp in Maine. I was immediately drawn to her strength and desire to serve God. A mere college student herself at the time, this young high school girl looked up to her and so desired to catch whatever it was she had. When that great week of camp came to an end, it was SO hard! I didn't want to leave....I suppose that is the case when most youths end a week of camp. I immediately began writing to her as the summer went on, she had new campers to take care of so I wasn't expecting daily letters. I prayed for the next few weeks that God would open the door for me to be able to go back to camp for another week before the summer ended. Would you believe, my prayers were answered. I got a call in mid august from one of the camp administrators asking me if I would like to come back for the last week to work on the work crew in the kitchen. These were volunteer positions that high school campers could do and in return got to spend the week at camp for free. You better believe I high tailed it back there in no time. At this camp, all the high school age girls were in adjoining cabins, so even though Marcia wasn't my counselor that week, she was just on the other side of the door. When I arrived there was a sweet reunion, you would have thought I had not seen her in years...when in fact it was only about three weeks. As all things do, the week eventually ended once again. This time, it was super emotional. We had a camp fire on the last night and I did all I could do to hold back the tears....God had blessed me with such an amazing summer, and a great new friend. I was something of a basketcase and was just dealing with my emotions in the crowd of all the other girls feeling the same way. Marcia found me, and embraced me, and told me that she will do her best to keep in touch with me....she assured me that this wasn't goodbye, it was like she new why I was sad and absolutely beside myself.
The summer ended, school started, and the routine of everything was back in full swing. I wrote Marcia weekly, and for a while she got a letter daily. Looking back on that, life would have been easier with the internet and e-mail, but neither of us had become savy with such technological devices. Occasionally she called and we would spend over an hour on the phone. I was in the midst of those awkward teenager/high school years yearning for some attention and a Godly example....she fit it perfectly. I think I lost her for a while when she went to Mexico for year to do some missionary work...I hated that I had no way of contacting her, but as time went on I eventually was able to deal with it better. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep wishing and praying that I would hear from her. I knew that she was doing the Lord's work and that had to take precedence over other things. A few years went by without any word....I had moved on, God had seen my need and placed some very Godly ladies in my life when I needed them. On occasion I would wonder how my dear "Myna" was doing...I always knew that the Lord was using her greatly.
Finally, when the internet opened a world to me, I began trying to find out how I could get in touch with Marcia. I found the e mail address of the camp director and she was able to give me a mailing address so that I could write Marcia. A few weeks later she wrote me back and enclosed a picture of she and her new husband on her wedding day. Again, life got busy and keeping in touch was not easy for either of us. I went off to college....but often still thought and prayed often for a reunion with her.
And then, the dawn of a new age....Facebook! I got on around 2006 and would check monthly to see if she had got around to creating an account. It wasn't until the spring of 2009 and that finally I had found her. We have been able to chat a few times, exchange e mails, and arrange a meeting up when she came into town.
Tim and I drove to Mass. last Sunday evening....it was so awesome to see her again and to meet her husband and beautiful children. The time was short, but oh so sweet. She continues to be such a Godly example....Thank you Marcia for being that amazing friend and always remembering that young girl from camp. I never forgot you.

My new nephew Boden Cale....Arrived August 11 at 2:33am. 8lbs 12oz, 21.5 inches long. Mommy and baby are doing well.

This is my new cousin Emma Jane. 8lbs 15oz, 21 inches. Born 8/9/09 before the sunrise :)
Congrats Jen & Ben

Praying for Dorothy & Michelle

I Wanna Love You...

This is an AWESOME song...Vocal Union has become one of my favorite groups.

Back Home

I just spent 12 days in Florida! The first week I was with my mom, sister, and NH siblings to celebrate Becky's graduation from high school. The graduation was at noon in an outdoor stadium...it was HOT!!!! We had her party the next day and my brother flew in just in time for it. Unfortunately, I still had school work to do through the trip, including two papers. Luckily a change in scenery helped me stay motivated to get it done. The only issue were the bugs, particularly the ones that found a home in the bed I was supposed to sleep in.....eeewwww!
The second half of my trip I spent in Ft Myers with Boutchia family. It is always a treat to be with them all for an extended period of time. We went to a water park, beach, pool, shopping, realized my nephew has entered teenagerhood, went to Coldstone, CiCi's.....
I dawned on me a few days before leaving that I was pretty quiet and not much of a conversationalist. That could be attributed to a few things...my better half was not there, anxiety levels heightened...who knows.
I did pretty good this time. Usually I am a basket case the hours or day leading up to my departure. This time there was only a few tears for a brief moment...I must be growing up. But of course, now that I am home I miss it all more than anything. Super happy to be with my man, but not too thrilled with going back to work and looking at the depressing rainy weather.
My flight home was probably the roughest one I have ever been on. The plane rolled back and forth for almost an hour, and the captain even instructed the flight attendants to sit down...that is when you know it is rough. We were already at 30,000ft and the turbulence was so bad that they were waiting for clearance to drop to a lower altitude. My heart raced and pounded pretty hard with each jostle. Finally the seat belt light went off when we were less than hour away from landing. It was good to get on the ground.
So now, reality....Only two weeks of work left, finals this week and new classes in two weeks. Praying for a quick summer.

Becky Graduates

Stuff

I can't contain it any longer....in just two short weeks by rear will be on a plane heading to fLoRiDa!!! Becky is graduating high school, and for the first time my mom will have all four of us together in FL. Missie and I will be flying down together and Josh will be arriving two days later. I can't go to florida without stopping through Ft Myers to see the Boutchia's down there, so I will be in FL for 12 days. Unfortunately, Tim used most of his vacation time when he went down in March, so I have to go without him. We are hoping to go to SC for Thanksgiving this year and see the family there that we haven't seen since our wedding...almost two years, woa that has flown. We are gaining a new niece or nephew in August, so we are excited to go to SC! And while we are down there I hope to schedule a time to go visit the graduate school at Bob Jones Univ. It's funny, my Jr year of high school I visited Bob Jones and swore after that I would never go to a big school or one that strict....God has a sense of humor, I really believe He is leading in that direction and what a teenager sees as strict is what an adult sees as necessary. Since I will be getting my undergrad degree and a higly liberal university, I really want to get my Masters from a Christian college. BJU is on top with Liberty Online the one I will fall back on if we can't make the move. Tim is taking classes with Liberty U Online and should finish his degree about the same time I finish mine, so we will both be better qualified to find jobs elsewhere....Lord willing.
Couple of prayer requests....
In the past week I have learned of two people who have cancer and one who is still waiting to find out. My co-worker Michelle will find out this week if she has breast cancer...this has hit all of us who work with her pretty hard. The five of us who work together in the PM seem to be pretty tight, when someone is missing or dealing with too much the whole group feels it. We also just found out today that Tim's Uncle Paul (his mom's brother) has prostate cancer. And a girl that I graduated high school with, her husband Matt has cancer as well. God knows what He is doing and will use every situation for His honor and glory. I have no reason to complain.
I have midterms this week and being that both classes are online I have all week to get them done. It's tuesday and I haven't even begun! Motivation is a serious issue for me...I'll have to go to the library tomorrow if I have any intention of getting this stuff done on time. And I want to get my final papers done so that I am not doing them on my vacation! So I should probably stop blogging and get moving....maybe :)

My Wicked Smart Cousin

This video if of my cousin Faith...she is the one using all the big words. She just finished her Master's Degree and will be starting her Doctorate at Purdue this year.

Do You Believe?

I wish I could put this song from my iTunes on here for you to listen to. I searched online to see if it was on youtube or some place where you could hear it, no luck. Here are the words to an absolutely beautiful song. If you go to the iTunes store you will be able to hear a piece of it.
Try this link....and choose "Do You Believe" http://cdbaby.com/cd/vocalunion5 it will open it in what ever music player you have as your default.

Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you believing
Are you following Him
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you receiving
His spirit within
Within your heart
Within your mind
There’s a yearning you’ve denied
A hunger you can’t hide
Within your heart
Within your soul
There’s a needing to know
A wanting to behold
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Do you believe

From the moment you were born
You were meant for so much more
You have purpose in life
You have a place in this world
There’s a God who knows your heart
And He’s loved you from the start
And you’ll never be alone
Because He’ll never depart
Can you hear
Can you see
Looking love in the face
Know its peace, know its grace
Let Him in, Let Him in
Let Him capture your heart
Let Him win

Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you believing
Are you following Him
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you receiving
His spirit within
Within your heart
Within your mind
There’s a yearning you’ve denied
A hunger you can’t hide
Within your heart
Within your soul
There’s a needing to know
A wanting to behold
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Do you believe


Choices made in things you’ve done
Leave you feeling all alone
All alone in the dark
All alone in the cold
Can you lift your eyes above
Can you feel His warmth, His love
He’s your father, your friend
He’s the Savior, the Son
Can you hear
Can you see
Looking love in the face
Know its peace, know its grace
Let Him in, Let Him in
Let Him capture your heart
Let Him win

Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you believing
Are you following Him
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Are you receiving
His spirit within
Within your heart
Within your mind
There’s a yearning you’ve denied
A hunger you can’t hide
Within your heart
Within your soul
There’s a needing to know
A wanting to behold
Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Do you believe

Do you know Jesus
Do you know Him
Do you believe
Oh do you believe

It's...how...

It’s funny how
Life takes twists and turns
And leads down paths
With new adventures
And lessons to learn

It’s amazing how
Everything happens for a reason
And how God ordained
Our paths to cross
Even if it was just for a season

It’s inspiring how
We are not alone
In a world of evil and lies
We stand strong
Our light is shone

It’s sad how
All things seem to end
But lead to new roads
Scary and exciting
Prayers for faith will I send

It’s beautiful how
You show me kindness
And how wonderfully amazing you are
Thank you for your outstretched hand
And compassion at its fullest

A. Boutchia
5/2009

In Loving Memory....

My Grandfather would have turned 86 years old this week. It is hard to believe he has been gone for three years already. Above is the memorial candle that I had for him at my wedding....so wish he could have been there. I miss you Grampie!

A Good Work

Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
I read this verse during my devotions this morning and all I could think about was this song that someone used to sing in church.

God Speaking

God Speaking
Written by Ronnie Freeman

Have you ever heard a love song
That set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise
And felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking
Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
That already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

God is speaking
I love you

A Little Chuckle

It was once said that a black man would be president "when pigs fly" indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency...... Swine flu.

Positive Thoughts

I have so much to be thankful for. I haven't been the most patient concerning the things that I want now, I have taken for granted all the blessing the Lord has given me. In the midst of these economic times I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a job that pays well and I absolutely love it. I have a husband who is wise, patient, and loves me. I have a family that is all healthy and is all on speaking terms. I am healthy. I have a church family who prays for me and loves me....
counting my blessings

It Came To Pass...

This past week was...different, but not bad different, kind of interesting-yet-slightly-depressing-but-good different. Kind of impartial to the happenings, but happy and ticked off all at the same time. The week started off with my foot in my mouth and being real over emotional, couldn't get out out of my own way for a couple days...yet I busted a serious move on getting all my final projects and papers done for my classes that end TODAY! Then when my foot came out of my mouth, things looked up. My thoughts still overwhelming, but happy that I was able to channel them. Friday I went to the Dr because I have been having heart palpitations since December. But they did go away the whole week we were in FL for Christmas, it was relaxing so I attributed it to anxiety. They have been varying in intensity and length...one night it lasted over an hour. I do notice that when I focus my attention on something outside of my heart pounding, it eases. I was wary about going to the Dr because I knew she was going to be quick to put me back on my meds. I have been off them for over a year, and I praise God for that. In addition to writing my prescription, she ordered a bunch of blood work and 24 hours on a heart monitor. Talk about anxiety provoking...I have to wait til the middle of may for that, and then another two weeks for the results....meds aren't sounding so bad at this point. She is assessing my cardiac risk, which a piece of my really doesn't want to know what my risk is. Heart problems run rampant on my mom's side of the family, and are visible on my dad's side as well. But being that I am young, early detection is key I suppose. I kind of didn't want to see this past week end. This coming week is spring break from work, and that is good and all, but it always reminds me how close we are getting to the end of the school year. I love summer, but hate the whole having to find a summer job and not being in my "normal" school year routine. I hate leaving the kids for two months, I always ball on the last day. It has been up in the air the past month if we were going to move into another apartment. We have been less than satisfied with where we are at, and I do not like being on the ground floor. We applied to couple of places and it seems as though God wants us to stay put. I can deal with not packing up and having to move, but God is going to have to give me some serious grace to get through another winter in our dungeon. I have no idea what i am going to do with myself this week. I start new classes online, so they are usually pretty tame the first week and no real assignments are due yet. I have been working diligently at weeding through all the stuff that Tim and I have in storage....I have a pile in the living room and spare room that has to go back in storage, and tons of boxes and bags that are ready to be donated. I am pretty proud of myself since I got rid of over half of the stuff in our storage unit. I said all that to say, I came across this poem and it is awesome. It is gentle reminder of God's promise to never give us more than we can handle. Many times in His word He says "It came to pass...." It didn't come to stay...AMEN!!!

This Too Shall Pass
By Helen Steiner Rice

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

Bow the Knee

feeling a bit reflective today...this is an awesome song. Not sure why they use the twin towers as the thumbnail for it...

Life Is Precious

"Life is Precious" has kind of been my mantra since my accident back in 2004. I just finished up my poetry class and the title of my portfolio is just that, Life is Precious. But I had no piece of writing that went along that theme, so I wrote this pretty much off the cuff last weekend. I think it turned out pretty well :)

Life is Precious

Straying off the path
Of what I know
Is right
Taking advantage
Of all I can
Thinking I am who I desire
But feeling cold

Trying to get
My heart where it belongs
Not willing to give up
The things that satisfy

A snowy white out
On an unfamiliar road
Twist and turn
Through shadows
I've never seen

Steering left
I loose control
There is nothing
I can do
To make it stop

A mind of it own
Controlled by nature
The car spins
Glides between
A tree and pole
It rolls...
And rolls

While in mid flight
I scream
I fear this is the end

Finally a landing
Seems like hours
Have passed
I can still see
The spinning of the view
Out my winshield

On four wheels
I open the door
And walk out
No idea where I am

A stranger sees me
Helps me make the call
I'm shaking
But Okay

The scene is cleared
The memory vivid
It repeats
Over...
And over

I reflect how
Luck I am
To be alive
And how sorry
It came to this
To get my attention
To see the err
Of my ways

Life is Precious
I am thankful
For every moment

A Change in My Life

I have to share this song, it has quickly become one of my favorites. The group that I like that sings it is The Singing Penguins, but I could not find them on YouTube...these guys will do.

My Church Family

I just went to Amy and Brian's wedding shower. It is a sure sign that God has a plan for all of us even when we can't see it at that moment. Brian will always be my first boyfriend, and at one point we thought we would be together forever...but God had a different plan for both of us, something better. Anyway, that is not where I was going with this. At the shower today I got to talk to many dear friends that I have not seen in a while. Leaving EBC after getting married was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do, but again, I had to follow my husband and do as God was telling him to do. Being there today just made me reflective of how much I miss EBC and these people that I once called my church family. I am in a poetry writing class right now and felt inspired, so here is what I wrote.....

My Church Family
By Amanda M. Boutchia

I once had this family
Who stood outside the realm
Of my own
They watched me grow
Seven to twenty-seven

They showed me how to walk
And held my hand
Until I let go
And even then...
They stood all around me
In case I fell

The many times I fell
They got on their knees too
Then showed me how
To get up again

Life brings
Many season of change
With "I Do"
And a humble band of gold
I had to leave my family
And become part of another

I still have a family
Whose goals are the same
But I miss the ones
Who watched me grow
To what I am today

A message to a former friend

Your Mask

By Amanda M. Boutchia

I have to let you go

Until you remove your mask

Your mask is not secret

More than you know

Can see it too

At first you just covered your eyes

You lost sight

Of who you were

Then you covered your ears

And stopped listening

To those who know better

Now your mouth is covered

You only talk to those

Who wear your mask

Only they

Know your language

Your nose is exposed

You need it to smell

The parties, alcohol,

And bad influences.

You have began

To construct your costume

With the part over your heart

Complete

It is only a matter of time

Before no one will know you

I don’t wear your mask

Don’t try and make

One for me

You won’t find me

I let you go

Funny How....

I feel as though my writing is when I figure things out. I often find myself writing e mails and then realizing things as I write. On January 29th I was writing an e mail that was supposed to just be a quick note to let them know something. Here is an excerpt:

...."We didn't have church last night because of the weather....we have missed so many services just in the past 6 weeks because of the weather, honestly, it is starting to wear on me spiritually....I need to be fed! I have fallen into the rut before of going through the motions and it was a scary place to be. I knew that I wasn't cold to the things of God but I knew I wasn't on fire either, and He wants to spew "lukewarm" out...I sense that I am heading in that direction again. And I am not blaming it on not going to church, it is definitely something in my heart, it just bugs me that I don't look forward to going to church like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I love my pastor and my church family is full of very genuine people, but there is something to be said about making connections and relationships with other people, I am just not getting that at all...I miss that sooooo much. When I was at my church before we got married there were so many ladies that I just adored and looked up to, and even though I know I could still call them anytime and even drop by there place once and a while, it is just not the same as seeing them three times a week and just having those close bonds. Being someone who grew up without a mom in the house, I have always looked to Godly ladies in the church for guidance and wisdom, it is very much something I always longed for. And now that it is missing, I just feel a bit empty...ya know. I just wish I could relate to someone there a little more. I guess it is a little harder in a small church...I mean, the only woman who is even close to my age is a single parent, I don't know how to relate to that....and Tim and I are the ONLY married couple who don't have children. I fear getting back to that spiritual condition that I was in a few years ago. At that time I was very aware that I had lost the joy of my salvation and zeal for the things of God...granted I was sleeping around and getting involved with people and things that were not a good influence on me and I was stubburn in not wanting to give those things up. But I, along with a good handful of people at church, were praying that I would get my zeal back that that God would seem real to me and that is when I got in my bad car accident. I FEAR the same kind of wake up call happening again. I am trying to remember the feelings I had when all that happend cause it worked and I couldn't do enough for God....it was a fire that I never experienced before. I don't want to get to that point again though...I fear praying the words "Lord help me get my zeal back"...i know it's retarded to think that way...welcome to the inside of my head, careful one wrong turn and your stuck for a while. So, not too sure why I just exploded all that information...apparently it was needed. I said all that to say, it is good that your revival is going good...we all need it at times....."

Can't Give Up Now

**lyrics by Mary Mary**

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

**big sigh**

It seems my bouts of anxiety are growing further and fewer between. But, when they are here they seem to be worse than ever. Just when I think I am doing ok, reality comes back to hit me square in the eye.

Pray for the Birons

Jen is my cousin and her husband Ben was just deployed overseas. Jen just found out she was pregnant and will be staying with her parents in Wisconsin while her husband is in Iraq. Below is a clip from Fox news in TX, Ben and Jen were part of the interview. Jen was very bold in saying God will be her strength through this time.

Jen, I love you to pieces....it's kind of weird to see ourselves as real adults now leading our own separate lives when we spent so much of our childhood together. You are going to make it through this, your faith in God is one of the strongest I know. I know that God will bless this time for you, and the little life inside you.

My Turn to Update...

It's been too long since I updated my blog, so here it goes...
First congrats to my cousin Jen and sister in law Kylee....both are expecting babies in August.
Tim and I went to Florida for 12 days for Christmas. We flew out Christmas eve and our only hiccup was the hour delay out of baltimore, but once we got in the air it was the smoothest flight I have ever been on....Tim slept the whole way. Luckily, Sarah flew with us to Tampa and when I was able to tear her away from her book we had some decent conversation. When we landed it was close to 9pm, but we had family to go see before we could turn in for the night.
On Christmas day we got up bright and early and drove to Orlando with my mom and sister Becky. We met a couple of my mom's friends and Epcot and we spent the majority of the day there. The old folks left about 4pm and left Tim, Becky, and myself to roam by ourselves for a few hours. We all met back up at Downtown Disney....which was an absolute mob scene. You would think on Christmas evening people would be home with their families...nope...all we could bear was dinner at mcdonalds and shopping in only one store. That evening we spent in Orlando and had quite the adventure with the hotel room...I'm gonna leave out the gross details, but we had to switch rooms at 11pm.
The next morning we went to Sea World. Sea World was much less crowded. We were exhausted and called it a day around 3pm. We drove back to St. Pete but not without stopping to eat at Golden Corrall...yummmy.
The next day was more of a relaxing day. We slept in and just vegged for most of the day, and went to the St. Pete Pier that evening. And we saw the most spectacular light display.
Then sunday came and we went to Church with my mom and then picked up a rental car and headed to Ft Myers.
Ft Myers was just over a two hour drive. We rented a hotel room for that night since Tim's brother and family were not expecting us until the next day. We went to church and surprised them. When we got into the foyer we were being very careful not to get spotted. Tim was talking to some people and poked my head in the auditorium and my sister in law Darla caught me. I hid around the corner, but it was only seconds after I heard "I saw you....where are you!!" It was a great reunion. We had dinner together afterwards and then did our gift exchange before we headed back to our room.
The next day, monday, we had a few appointments to look at some apartment complexes....we fell in love with the first one we looked at. The rest of the day we just relaxed with family.
On Tuesday we all went to Miami and went to the Miami Seaquarium....it was like a small version of Sea World, but the shows were not as crowded and we got good seats, so I enjoyed it more. After the Seaquarium we headed toward the Port of Miami and strolled around the shops there. Highlight: The Bubba Gump gift shop, I got an amazing t-shirt. Then, a two hour drive back to Ft. Myers.
The rest of our trip was peaceful. On new years eve we went to church and then went back to John & Darla's and sat around their outdoor fire pit and made smores. People all around were setting off fireworks, it was quite spectacular. On New Years day night we went to Ft Myers beach and watched sun set and then had all we could eat at CiCi's Pizza Buffet...that was Tim's only request when we arrived in FL. We did have one evening out without the kids. We went to this fancy shmancy Italian restaurant that John & Darla had a gift card for. It was probably pretty clear to our waitress that we didn't belong there, but John solidified that for her when he asked for his coffee in a togo cup. We topped off the evening with Coldstone ice cream and a little shopping at Target.
I am sure that Tim's highlight was golfing with his brother and nephew....either that or playing with air soft guns.
It was so sad to have to leave....our flight left at 4pm that monday and I cried all day. The worst was saying goodbye to our neice and nephews after pulling them out of school for lunch. From what I was told, Julianne sobbed when she turned the corner out of my sight....love that little one, we are pen pals.
So now we are home and back into the swing of life again. It's freezing and there are no palm trees!!! We did, however, decide that moving to FL is in the immediate future. Our lease is up in May, so we are shooting to head down there around May 18th. We already found a place to live, so now it is just finding jobs. I have already contacted the school district to find out when they start hiring aides for the fall. They were very prompt in getting back to me and told me that they start hiring as soon as April. But, Lee County is in a hiring freeze due the economy and low enrollment in the schools. So I am not going to count on a job with the schools right away. I have been looking into the possibility of becoming a nanny or getting my LNA certification before we leave. Tim is pretty open to any job. He would like to do something in the area of computers, but since all he has is experience and no degree it may be difficult for him to get a job in that area. He works for Chase right now processing credit card transactions, and there is a Chase in Ft Myers, but they do loan processing. He is going to apply there with the hopes of transfereing so that he doesn't loose half of his 401k.
As far as my getting pregnant...we are still working on it. My Dr told me that if I don't conceive by January that I should see a specialist....i'll keep you all up to date on how that goes.
Other than that, things are pretty much as normal as normal goes. It's freezing here, temps are hovering in the negative numbers, so we have been doing alot of staying in.
Hope all is well with everyone!

O Holy Night

I had to post this for three reasons:
1) I went to school with the guy who stars in it....all four years....we had every single class together
2) It's a Christmas song, and lets face it, its almost Christmas
3) Probably the best rendition of "O Holy Night" ever performed
** you can see more at www.kevinmurrell.com

The BIG ONE Returns

I have spoken alot about my anxiety. This morning on my way to work I had "the mother of all anxiety attacks"....it was horrible! I have not had one than intense since 2001, back when my anxiety started manifesting itself. I have been trying to make sense of it....but it must start in my subconscious. I have always got little anxiety attacks, but I have not had one where my heart pounds out of my chest, blacking out, and shaking in such a long time. So of course, now I fear that these will come more frequent...that scares me. When I first started getting these they dibilatated me to the point where I could do nothing....there is no way I can let it get to that point. I determined a couple weeks ago that I do not want to be on meds anymore....I have done this off again on again thing for the past couple years, and I would much rather bid goodbye to them forever....but when something like this happens it is like taking 100 steps backward....ugh. I guess there are things on my mind, a little bit more than normal. The thing that confuses me was that when I had this attack I wasn't thinking of anything...just bee boppin' to the radio. I have been learning how to control my thoughts, but how do I control the thoughts that I have no control over?
By God's grace, I am NOT going to let myself get back to the point that I used to be at....that was a horrible time in my life. And as much of a learning experience as it was, it is not one I care to repeat.
The up side is that I do not feel the after affects that used to accompany the big ones....usually I feel winded, weak, and dizzy for the remainder of the day. The real test will be when I need to drive somewhere alone.

One Year

Election Day!

God is with you

I have some out of state family members that are going through a tough time, I want more than anything to be there for them.....my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, nephews....I wish I could just send them a hug and comfort of some sort. I am horrible at verbalizing how I feel, I do much better through writing. I rummaged through some of the old poems that I wrote and the following two poems I am giving to my Florida fam.

The first poem has no name....I originally wrote it for a good friend who lost her mother.

Sometimes it seems as though
Our life is just too much to bear.
And you are dealing with so much
And in your eyes, it doesn’t seem fair.
You go about your day
With so much on your mind,
All you do is wait
And look for answers of some kind.

But I want you to know, my friend
That everything in time will pass.
I believe in a higher power,
And to Him your burdens have been cast.
I have prayerfully asked Him
To help you through this time.
Please trust and know
That soon, everything will be fine.

This one I wrote for another friend who was going through a really hard time in her life.
Darla....this one is for you!

The Beauty Inside

Your days are hard
Your thoughts overwhelming
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you standing

You tears are many
Your heart is sad
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you glad

You may feel afraid
You may feel alone
But the beauty inside you
Is all that is shown

You have people who love
You have friends who care
And the beauty inside you
Will keep them there

Changes

So I am the type of person who feels the need to rationalize everything, I like to have answers and know why things happen. This past week has been exceptionally trying for me. Sleeping has become a luxury so I have had alot of time to reflect. In the past year I have gone through many changes, and some of them have been in a real short time. I got married, moved twice, new jobs, new church, and pretty much any circle of friends I had a year ago are all in different circles now. Anything that I knew to be solid and stable is pretty much not anymore. I am not in a bad place or anything, it is just I feel like I am leading a completely different life now than I did even just one year ago. It is alot to adjust to in such a short amount of time....especially for me. I like change, but too much change throws me through a loop. I think this week it is kind of all hitting me all at once. With my new job I have a different routine now, I no longer leave the house at 7:20am and return at 3pm....Now I leave at 6:25am, return by 9am, then leave again about 1:30pm and return home by 6pm. I love my jobs, but I do feel like I have a little more down time than normal. I dropped my classes for the semester because they were getting a little overwhelming, so now I really have alot of time. When I have time, I think....but for me my thinking often turns to worry and I become anxious, and this week my anxiousness has become very physical and it is wearing me down.
I miss my church family from EBC like crazy, I feel like my ties have been severed and I will never have the close relationships with people there that I used to. I miss my old job...well, I miss the aspect of working with kids and some of the teachers. Marriage has been nothing short of awesome and is a change that I have gladly accepted and embraced, but being the non social type person that I am, I am having a hard time getting myself into my new church family and forming relations with those I see on a daily basis.
I pray consistently that God fill all this free time I have with a child....I know it will happen in God's time, but a thought that I keep having is "I wouldn't be so bored if I had a kid right now". I realize having children is completely different ball game, my it is something that both Tim and I desire to be a part of. God could very well be preparing us, it is my prayer that He does.
I talked to my sister-in-law tonight....I like it when we talk, e mails and text messages are nice but not as personal. I love that she listens to me, passes zero judgement, tells me what she thinks, and truly cares. I don't open up to many people so when the opportunity presents itself it makes my heart very glad.
The Red Sox are making me upset right now! Come on boys....Kick some Ray butt!!!!

Insomnia

So it is almost 2am and I am awake....still. I thought I did everything I could to get myself to sleep tonight....sleepytime tea, warm bath, benadryl. And, I prayed like I never prayed before. It was eye opening actually....I just thanked God for every blessing that I could think of, prayed for my family members by name, and of course prayed that I would be able to relax and sleep. I am out on the couch now, Tim stayed home tonight because he isn't feeling well.....he is sleeping like a log though. Today I cried so much I thought for sure I would just crash and sleep...my boss sent me home from work after only being there for a half hour, I couldn't seem to stop the tears. On top of not being able to sleep, my anxiety seems to be pretty high....it's effecting me physically. I feel like I may have a full blown anxiety attack at any minute....kind of wish I would, they usually drain me and make me want to sleep. I am contemplating nyquil, it helped the past two nights in getting some sleep....but I worry about the mixing of it with the benadryl....see how my mind works, I worry about each scenario. I took benadryl at 9:30pm and it says to take it every 4-6 hours, its been almost five. But I over analyze and worry that I may do harm if I take nyquil before six hours. I could just call my mom or step mom, they are both nurses....just had a dizzy spell, mini attack. Anyway, one of my mom's would be able to tell me if I am ok to take something. I like to be reassured. I've called them in the middle of the night many times when I have symptoms that I haven't had before. A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with a rash and I called my step mom....she humered me, talked me through it and told me to take some benadryl....it is a good thing that Tim was home that night cause I might have lost it if I was home alone. I always worry that the worst case scenario might happen to me. I watched something on discovery or tlc a while ago...it was about these people who have this condition where they all of a sudden can't sleep....like ever, and it ultimately takes their life. Not gonna lie, I worry that could be me. Last year I had two days no sleep, but slept like a baby on the third night....I'm on night four and nothing. When i came out to the living room and booted up my computer, I got on my knees and prayed again....i yawed, that was reassuring. My eyes feel a little heavy right now, maybe I should try and close them and see what happens.

Another DUH!

He DOES care for our needs, and that has been such a DUH revelation for me this past week. So many simple things that I have heard so many times before are making sense to me. I probably only heard them in the past and chose not to heed. For a while I went through a "woe is me" kind of thing believing that no one could possibly understand what I was dealing with....including God. But this whole time it has been God's way of getting my attention to trust Him more. There are others who have been through bouts of anxiety and depression, and some far worse than I have been. I am definitely not the on fire Christian I should be, but I can see myself heading that way. And I am excited for what God has in store for the future rather than worrying about it. This summer was a funk for me....and I feel so bad about not being myself in July when tons of family were...I made a horrible first impression. But I think it was that that made me realize that this is not something I can ignore. Even my trip to florida, I was a ball of anxiousness. And most of the time I can't put my finger on why. I have been surrounded by family and people who truly do love and care for me so it kills me that all the Boutchia's I have met over the past year have not really met the real me....I am much less of a mess :)

DUH

The two people I am counseling with gave me homework....I have had to read The Sermon on the Mount twice already and I have to read it one more time. Each time I read I have to write down two or three verses that stick out to me. I don't know how many times I have had those chapters read to me or I have read them, but for some reason God is showing so much more than I ever saw before. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..." I've seen and heard that verse preached so many times, but when I read it for the second time today I had a "DUH" moment! Why I worry so much about the future, I don't know, and it will take some serious training of my brain to break away from that, but what refuge I can take in that verse. Oh, and I have a memory verse each week too....I don't think I have had to sit down and memorize verses since I was in high school. As overwhelming as monday was, and looking back at how much I just opened up, it freed me a bit to being more open to others. I think a big part of my anxiousness is knowing that I am holding things back from people that I am close to. I mean I am not going to go and tell every one I know about my past and the fact that I am going to counseling, but there are a handful of people who I think deserve to know....like three :) Just writing this and rereading it, I can see that more of my issue is guilt. It has actually been refreshing to nail that issue, cause I know that all I have to do is pray that away :) I am really excited to see how this process pans out....

Gettin' There

This is the part where I say that I have turned over a new leaf and am embracing everyday as a new day and not getting caught up with the past or what I aspire for the future. Yeah, not so much. It is going to be a slow road to get to that point, but it is a road that I am on and willing to continue taking. I am still having a hard time not focusing on what I am not apart of....do you ever feel like you are missing out on something?
I have taken a big step that will truly help me if I am diligent....so far so good. I have put myself out there and became 100% transparent because I know that is what I have to do in order to make progress. I realized recently that I have come soooooooo far from where I used to be in terms of my anxiety, and then realized that maybe anxiety is not the root of my issue. It has brought to my attention twice in three days that I may just be guilt ridden. In a previous post I wrote how I want to make things right with my mom and strive for that relationship that "normal" mother and daughters have. It was brought to my attention that it is not my fault that our relationship is the way that it is....it has not been decisions that I have made. I have allowed myself to think that I am less of a person because of it....I guess I feel more guilty than I should. I can't fully say at this point "that's true, I am just feeling guilty....problem solved" I'll work on it though. God is giving me more strength each day in allowing me to over come thoughts and worries.

Revelations

I wrote this while on my flight from FL to NH....my thoughts were racing, it was the only way to organize them.

It has come to me what I need to do….it the middle of a not so crowded florida airport. All week I have been able to discuss my anxiety issues and God used people to show that He is all in all….why I worry, I do not know. It is time for me to make Him real. I have never denied that He is God, but I have allowed myself to fall into the fake Christianity by playing and going through the motions. In the past I have prayed for zeal and He has given it to me. My anxiety has reached a point that it effects my health, that is not ok. I have purposed to get it under control….as soon as this plane lands. For some reason at thousands of feet in the air He is real to me and showing me what needs to be done. One area that I have been suppressing and passing off as ok is that of my relationship with my mom. She does not know the thoughts that I have, I have not been open with her about much. I show greater love and compassion to others than I do for the woman that carried me for nine months and had a hand in raising me. I must come across as bitter to others when I speak of my mom….I know that is not right. I am thinking that I need to come clean with her and lay out all that I have been through and my thoughts and how I do what to love her the way I should. She is a hard person to love, I feel like I do not have a lot in common with her. I know that it will be a difficult road to really loving my mom the way that a daughter should. I know that it has hurt her in the past to see me close with others and sharing my heart with everyone but her. I am not a mom yet, but desire to do so, and I can’t imagine my own flesh and blood harboring bitterness and anger. I admit, I am way more loving and kind to my mom now that I am older than I was even just a few years ago. I am realizing now that God has probably been preparing me for this little revelation. Ok, so that is one area…..another would have to be sitting down with Pastor and getting counsel about my anxiety. My Dr. has told me over and over that I need to get a counselor and I think I looked into it once but chose not to go through with it because the place she recommended was on a bad side of town…..stupid, eh….but is it thoughts like that that I have allowed to consume my every day life. I hate feeling like I am in danger and often think the worst of a situation and assume that worst will happen to me. Little things like driving from point A to point B is difficult, wondering if I will make it. Walking through a parking lot wondering if someone is going to jump out in front of me and attack is a daily occurrence. Constant fear for my life and safety are my biggest anxiety triggers. I know that it runs deeper. I have given my past to the Lord, but thoughts of why I can’t get pregnant I immediately blame on my past choices. “I am reaping what I have sown”. Someone told me this week “God doesn’t work that way”. That is so true, why would a God of love and mercy not give me what my heart desires because of past decisions. The past is just that….Past! I have to stop wanting attention from others and seek God’s face instead. I have always been the type of person who tends to be a little needy in my quest for attention. Usually it is with Godly ladies who I look up to. I long for one on one girl talk time where I can talk and listen. It is nice to have people like that in your life but they should not be the reason that you are down cast when they are not giving you the attention that you desire. I have had a few ladies in my life who I have just wanted to pour my heart out to with the hopes of attention and affection….a hug and feeling like they care is what usually gives me a high. I know reasons for that runs deep as well. I am now in a time in my life where things have changed….like a lot of things. Marriage, job, church, and just my circle of friends and family…all positive of course. But for someone who does not handle change real good and tends to get attached to people and circumstance, its been a hard change but one that I am trying to embrace more. I am not going to complain anymore that the people who once were so active and big parts of my life are just not there any more. There are people who can be there in the same way and instead of them trying to read me and figure me out, I need to go to them. I am in a new church that is a far cry from what I came from, but my church family is still filled with great genuine people. Instead of wishing I still had what I used to I need to embrace what God has given me in the here and now. So I am going to begin the honest effort to bring God back to number one and to get into His word and earnestly heed to it, rather than just reading the words on the page. Prayer is needed and it will be more than spouting off my needs before I fall asleep. I have a church family that shares prayer requests, as a sister in Christ I need to pray for their needs before mine. All that I am saying is nothing new to me, I have known all along what is true but for some reason continued to remain selfish. I had another little revelation this week….back when I was 16 I surrendered my life to full time service, answered the call with three semesters of Bible college and it has been on the back burner ever since. I know that I do not need a Bible college degree to serve, but I desire now more than ever to teach in a Christian School. I am not doubting that God has brought me down the path He has for a reason, and with the special education background that I have and the experience I have in schools, I look forward to using it. Public schools are in need of Christian teachers….but the places that I have fallen the most is in the midst of public school teachers and friends….not good. I will give it to the Lord….He knows my heart. It is all going to the Lord…..THIS IS MY PRAYER!

Endings Stink!

I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I have been loving my time in FL so much that I did not want to waste time blogging. But now, it is the day before I leave and all I want to do is cry because I do not want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my husband, but other than that I feel as though I have no ties left in NH. The past few months have been a season of change. Tim and I moved back to Manchster and found a new church. We love the church we joined, but Dorothy nailed it on the head when she said "There's no place like home". I feel like I have not been "me" since I left my home church when we got married. I really having a hard time finding what God wants for me. I am sure that the issue is that I am not trusting Him the way that I should be....my anxiety seems to be at a height these days and questions are plaguing my mind about what I should to do about it. Give it to God, I thought I did....maybe it was an idle prayer cause I did not believe deep down that my anxious state would be taken from me. I feel like going back on my meds will make things better, and then again I hate the idea of trusting a pill over my God! And now I am dreading tomorrow....even though I leave later in the day and will still have a good day here in FL, I just hate that it has to come to an end. I don't know if it is my emotions taking over, but I could totally find myself living here and making a life here. Tim says that it is a possibility once we both have our degrees. To me that is SO far away because I know that I have at least two years left of school. And that is another thing, I am starting to question if teaching is where I am supposed to be. I have been working in classrooms for seven years now and if anyone asks me I tell them how much I love it. But this year I am leaving my full time job as a special education aide and moving in a direction that is in a slightly different direction. Actually, I hate to say it, but it came down to $$. I will be starting next week working at the before school program in hooksett and the after school program at Northwest. That leaves a decent chunk in the middle of the day to do my school work so that I can focus on getting good grades. I also put my name on a sub list so that I can substitute teach, I figure that will help me decide if I really want to teach. I am comfortable in classrooms and working with kids but for the past years my role has been "helper" and now it will be "the one"....I will find out quickly if I am cut out to teach. But with the new job and new church and friends scarce, I just feel like I don'b belong where I am at. Again, it could just be my emotions. I spent four days with my mom in st pete, and it was ok...I never had a mother/daughter relationship with my mom, at least one that was not strong enough. I always have, and still do, envy girls and ladies that have that strong relationships with their mothers....that's wrong, I know. I think that is why I allow myself to get so attatched to ladies who are a Godly influence on me. After leaving St. Pete I have spent the remainder of my time in Ft Myers, 7 days, with my brother in law, sister in law, nephews, and niece. It's been nothing short of awesome. Even though Tropical storm Fay wore out her welcome, it was great to be with family. My sister in law and I were able to have some good talks about stuff and I think that there is still more to come if I can muster up the courage to say "we need to talk more"....I am a big bottle of junk and I can feel the junk slowly starting to leak out, I would rather pour it out so that maybe there would be a release of all this anxiousness that is built up. But if there is anyone I am going to miss dearly it will be her. When they left in July after being here for three weeks it was rough and I took it extremely hard. Tomorrow will be no exception....I will probably cry the entire plane ride. I guess my prayer is now that I will be able to deal with leaving better than I did when they left a month ago. It was a hard month and what seemed like the longest of my life....probably cause I was anticipating this trip so much. The school year usually flies by so I am anxious to get in a routine to get my mind off stuff. My mom said that she will pay for one ticket down to FL for Christmas, so it looks like we will be back down again soon but not soon enough in my eyes. That time will be "Operation Talk Tim into Moving Down Here".....I feel like once he understands how I feel about being down here and experiencing it with me he might be on the same page.
Well....it's a beautiful morning....the sun is shining through the window and the sky is blue. God paints beautiful pictures, I love it.

AH! I Can't Wait any Longer!

Only for days of work left before I board that plane and head to Florida!
Excitement does not even begin to describe how much I am looking forward to this trip. I don't know what else to say! I'm speechless!