Endings Stink!

I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I have been loving my time in FL so much that I did not want to waste time blogging. But now, it is the day before I leave and all I want to do is cry because I do not want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my husband, but other than that I feel as though I have no ties left in NH. The past few months have been a season of change. Tim and I moved back to Manchster and found a new church. We love the church we joined, but Dorothy nailed it on the head when she said "There's no place like home". I feel like I have not been "me" since I left my home church when we got married. I really having a hard time finding what God wants for me. I am sure that the issue is that I am not trusting Him the way that I should be....my anxiety seems to be at a height these days and questions are plaguing my mind about what I should to do about it. Give it to God, I thought I did....maybe it was an idle prayer cause I did not believe deep down that my anxious state would be taken from me. I feel like going back on my meds will make things better, and then again I hate the idea of trusting a pill over my God! And now I am dreading tomorrow....even though I leave later in the day and will still have a good day here in FL, I just hate that it has to come to an end. I don't know if it is my emotions taking over, but I could totally find myself living here and making a life here. Tim says that it is a possibility once we both have our degrees. To me that is SO far away because I know that I have at least two years left of school. And that is another thing, I am starting to question if teaching is where I am supposed to be. I have been working in classrooms for seven years now and if anyone asks me I tell them how much I love it. But this year I am leaving my full time job as a special education aide and moving in a direction that is in a slightly different direction. Actually, I hate to say it, but it came down to $$. I will be starting next week working at the before school program in hooksett and the after school program at Northwest. That leaves a decent chunk in the middle of the day to do my school work so that I can focus on getting good grades. I also put my name on a sub list so that I can substitute teach, I figure that will help me decide if I really want to teach. I am comfortable in classrooms and working with kids but for the past years my role has been "helper" and now it will be "the one"....I will find out quickly if I am cut out to teach. But with the new job and new church and friends scarce, I just feel like I don'b belong where I am at. Again, it could just be my emotions. I spent four days with my mom in st pete, and it was ok...I never had a mother/daughter relationship with my mom, at least one that was not strong enough. I always have, and still do, envy girls and ladies that have that strong relationships with their mothers....that's wrong, I know. I think that is why I allow myself to get so attatched to ladies who are a Godly influence on me. After leaving St. Pete I have spent the remainder of my time in Ft Myers, 7 days, with my brother in law, sister in law, nephews, and niece. It's been nothing short of awesome. Even though Tropical storm Fay wore out her welcome, it was great to be with family. My sister in law and I were able to have some good talks about stuff and I think that there is still more to come if I can muster up the courage to say "we need to talk more"....I am a big bottle of junk and I can feel the junk slowly starting to leak out, I would rather pour it out so that maybe there would be a release of all this anxiousness that is built up. But if there is anyone I am going to miss dearly it will be her. When they left in July after being here for three weeks it was rough and I took it extremely hard. Tomorrow will be no exception....I will probably cry the entire plane ride. I guess my prayer is now that I will be able to deal with leaving better than I did when they left a month ago. It was a hard month and what seemed like the longest of my life....probably cause I was anticipating this trip so much. The school year usually flies by so I am anxious to get in a routine to get my mind off stuff. My mom said that she will pay for one ticket down to FL for Christmas, so it looks like we will be back down again soon but not soon enough in my eyes. That time will be "Operation Talk Tim into Moving Down Here".....I feel like once he understands how I feel about being down here and experiencing it with me he might be on the same page.
Well....it's a beautiful morning....the sun is shining through the window and the sky is blue. God paints beautiful pictures, I love it.