Funny How....

I feel as though my writing is when I figure things out. I often find myself writing e mails and then realizing things as I write. On January 29th I was writing an e mail that was supposed to just be a quick note to let them know something. Here is an excerpt:

...."We didn't have church last night because of the weather....we have missed so many services just in the past 6 weeks because of the weather, honestly, it is starting to wear on me spiritually....I need to be fed! I have fallen into the rut before of going through the motions and it was a scary place to be. I knew that I wasn't cold to the things of God but I knew I wasn't on fire either, and He wants to spew "lukewarm" out...I sense that I am heading in that direction again. And I am not blaming it on not going to church, it is definitely something in my heart, it just bugs me that I don't look forward to going to church like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I love my pastor and my church family is full of very genuine people, but there is something to be said about making connections and relationships with other people, I am just not getting that at all...I miss that sooooo much. When I was at my church before we got married there were so many ladies that I just adored and looked up to, and even though I know I could still call them anytime and even drop by there place once and a while, it is just not the same as seeing them three times a week and just having those close bonds. Being someone who grew up without a mom in the house, I have always looked to Godly ladies in the church for guidance and wisdom, it is very much something I always longed for. And now that it is missing, I just feel a bit empty...ya know. I just wish I could relate to someone there a little more. I guess it is a little harder in a small church...I mean, the only woman who is even close to my age is a single parent, I don't know how to relate to that....and Tim and I are the ONLY married couple who don't have children. I fear getting back to that spiritual condition that I was in a few years ago. At that time I was very aware that I had lost the joy of my salvation and zeal for the things of God...granted I was sleeping around and getting involved with people and things that were not a good influence on me and I was stubburn in not wanting to give those things up. But I, along with a good handful of people at church, were praying that I would get my zeal back that that God would seem real to me and that is when I got in my bad car accident. I FEAR the same kind of wake up call happening again. I am trying to remember the feelings I had when all that happend cause it worked and I couldn't do enough for God....it was a fire that I never experienced before. I don't want to get to that point again though...I fear praying the words "Lord help me get my zeal back"...i know it's retarded to think that way...welcome to the inside of my head, careful one wrong turn and your stuck for a while. So, not too sure why I just exploded all that information...apparently it was needed. I said all that to say, it is good that your revival is going good...we all need it at times....."