O Holy Night

I had to post this for three reasons:
1) I went to school with the guy who stars in it....all four years....we had every single class together
2) It's a Christmas song, and lets face it, its almost Christmas
3) Probably the best rendition of "O Holy Night" ever performed
** you can see more at www.kevinmurrell.com

The BIG ONE Returns

I have spoken alot about my anxiety. This morning on my way to work I had "the mother of all anxiety attacks"....it was horrible! I have not had one than intense since 2001, back when my anxiety started manifesting itself. I have been trying to make sense of it....but it must start in my subconscious. I have always got little anxiety attacks, but I have not had one where my heart pounds out of my chest, blacking out, and shaking in such a long time. So of course, now I fear that these will come more frequent...that scares me. When I first started getting these they dibilatated me to the point where I could do nothing....there is no way I can let it get to that point. I determined a couple weeks ago that I do not want to be on meds anymore....I have done this off again on again thing for the past couple years, and I would much rather bid goodbye to them forever....but when something like this happens it is like taking 100 steps backward....ugh. I guess there are things on my mind, a little bit more than normal. The thing that confuses me was that when I had this attack I wasn't thinking of anything...just bee boppin' to the radio. I have been learning how to control my thoughts, but how do I control the thoughts that I have no control over?
By God's grace, I am NOT going to let myself get back to the point that I used to be at....that was a horrible time in my life. And as much of a learning experience as it was, it is not one I care to repeat.
The up side is that I do not feel the after affects that used to accompany the big ones....usually I feel winded, weak, and dizzy for the remainder of the day. The real test will be when I need to drive somewhere alone.

One Year

Election Day!

God is with you

I have some out of state family members that are going through a tough time, I want more than anything to be there for them.....my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, nephews....I wish I could just send them a hug and comfort of some sort. I am horrible at verbalizing how I feel, I do much better through writing. I rummaged through some of the old poems that I wrote and the following two poems I am giving to my Florida fam.

The first poem has no name....I originally wrote it for a good friend who lost her mother.

Sometimes it seems as though
Our life is just too much to bear.
And you are dealing with so much
And in your eyes, it doesn’t seem fair.
You go about your day
With so much on your mind,
All you do is wait
And look for answers of some kind.

But I want you to know, my friend
That everything in time will pass.
I believe in a higher power,
And to Him your burdens have been cast.
I have prayerfully asked Him
To help you through this time.
Please trust and know
That soon, everything will be fine.

This one I wrote for another friend who was going through a really hard time in her life.
Darla....this one is for you!

The Beauty Inside

Your days are hard
Your thoughts overwhelming
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you standing

You tears are many
Your heart is sad
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you glad

You may feel afraid
You may feel alone
But the beauty inside you
Is all that is shown

You have people who love
You have friends who care
And the beauty inside you
Will keep them there

Changes

So I am the type of person who feels the need to rationalize everything, I like to have answers and know why things happen. This past week has been exceptionally trying for me. Sleeping has become a luxury so I have had alot of time to reflect. In the past year I have gone through many changes, and some of them have been in a real short time. I got married, moved twice, new jobs, new church, and pretty much any circle of friends I had a year ago are all in different circles now. Anything that I knew to be solid and stable is pretty much not anymore. I am not in a bad place or anything, it is just I feel like I am leading a completely different life now than I did even just one year ago. It is alot to adjust to in such a short amount of time....especially for me. I like change, but too much change throws me through a loop. I think this week it is kind of all hitting me all at once. With my new job I have a different routine now, I no longer leave the house at 7:20am and return at 3pm....Now I leave at 6:25am, return by 9am, then leave again about 1:30pm and return home by 6pm. I love my jobs, but I do feel like I have a little more down time than normal. I dropped my classes for the semester because they were getting a little overwhelming, so now I really have alot of time. When I have time, I think....but for me my thinking often turns to worry and I become anxious, and this week my anxiousness has become very physical and it is wearing me down.
I miss my church family from EBC like crazy, I feel like my ties have been severed and I will never have the close relationships with people there that I used to. I miss my old job...well, I miss the aspect of working with kids and some of the teachers. Marriage has been nothing short of awesome and is a change that I have gladly accepted and embraced, but being the non social type person that I am, I am having a hard time getting myself into my new church family and forming relations with those I see on a daily basis.
I pray consistently that God fill all this free time I have with a child....I know it will happen in God's time, but a thought that I keep having is "I wouldn't be so bored if I had a kid right now". I realize having children is completely different ball game, my it is something that both Tim and I desire to be a part of. God could very well be preparing us, it is my prayer that He does.
I talked to my sister-in-law tonight....I like it when we talk, e mails and text messages are nice but not as personal. I love that she listens to me, passes zero judgement, tells me what she thinks, and truly cares. I don't open up to many people so when the opportunity presents itself it makes my heart very glad.
The Red Sox are making me upset right now! Come on boys....Kick some Ray butt!!!!

Insomnia

So it is almost 2am and I am awake....still. I thought I did everything I could to get myself to sleep tonight....sleepytime tea, warm bath, benadryl. And, I prayed like I never prayed before. It was eye opening actually....I just thanked God for every blessing that I could think of, prayed for my family members by name, and of course prayed that I would be able to relax and sleep. I am out on the couch now, Tim stayed home tonight because he isn't feeling well.....he is sleeping like a log though. Today I cried so much I thought for sure I would just crash and sleep...my boss sent me home from work after only being there for a half hour, I couldn't seem to stop the tears. On top of not being able to sleep, my anxiety seems to be pretty high....it's effecting me physically. I feel like I may have a full blown anxiety attack at any minute....kind of wish I would, they usually drain me and make me want to sleep. I am contemplating nyquil, it helped the past two nights in getting some sleep....but I worry about the mixing of it with the benadryl....see how my mind works, I worry about each scenario. I took benadryl at 9:30pm and it says to take it every 4-6 hours, its been almost five. But I over analyze and worry that I may do harm if I take nyquil before six hours. I could just call my mom or step mom, they are both nurses....just had a dizzy spell, mini attack. Anyway, one of my mom's would be able to tell me if I am ok to take something. I like to be reassured. I've called them in the middle of the night many times when I have symptoms that I haven't had before. A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with a rash and I called my step mom....she humered me, talked me through it and told me to take some benadryl....it is a good thing that Tim was home that night cause I might have lost it if I was home alone. I always worry that the worst case scenario might happen to me. I watched something on discovery or tlc a while ago...it was about these people who have this condition where they all of a sudden can't sleep....like ever, and it ultimately takes their life. Not gonna lie, I worry that could be me. Last year I had two days no sleep, but slept like a baby on the third night....I'm on night four and nothing. When i came out to the living room and booted up my computer, I got on my knees and prayed again....i yawed, that was reassuring. My eyes feel a little heavy right now, maybe I should try and close them and see what happens.

Another DUH!

He DOES care for our needs, and that has been such a DUH revelation for me this past week. So many simple things that I have heard so many times before are making sense to me. I probably only heard them in the past and chose not to heed. For a while I went through a "woe is me" kind of thing believing that no one could possibly understand what I was dealing with....including God. But this whole time it has been God's way of getting my attention to trust Him more. There are others who have been through bouts of anxiety and depression, and some far worse than I have been. I am definitely not the on fire Christian I should be, but I can see myself heading that way. And I am excited for what God has in store for the future rather than worrying about it. This summer was a funk for me....and I feel so bad about not being myself in July when tons of family were...I made a horrible first impression. But I think it was that that made me realize that this is not something I can ignore. Even my trip to florida, I was a ball of anxiousness. And most of the time I can't put my finger on why. I have been surrounded by family and people who truly do love and care for me so it kills me that all the Boutchia's I have met over the past year have not really met the real me....I am much less of a mess :)

DUH

The two people I am counseling with gave me homework....I have had to read The Sermon on the Mount twice already and I have to read it one more time. Each time I read I have to write down two or three verses that stick out to me. I don't know how many times I have had those chapters read to me or I have read them, but for some reason God is showing so much more than I ever saw before. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..." I've seen and heard that verse preached so many times, but when I read it for the second time today I had a "DUH" moment! Why I worry so much about the future, I don't know, and it will take some serious training of my brain to break away from that, but what refuge I can take in that verse. Oh, and I have a memory verse each week too....I don't think I have had to sit down and memorize verses since I was in high school. As overwhelming as monday was, and looking back at how much I just opened up, it freed me a bit to being more open to others. I think a big part of my anxiousness is knowing that I am holding things back from people that I am close to. I mean I am not going to go and tell every one I know about my past and the fact that I am going to counseling, but there are a handful of people who I think deserve to know....like three :) Just writing this and rereading it, I can see that more of my issue is guilt. It has actually been refreshing to nail that issue, cause I know that all I have to do is pray that away :) I am really excited to see how this process pans out....

Gettin' There

This is the part where I say that I have turned over a new leaf and am embracing everyday as a new day and not getting caught up with the past or what I aspire for the future. Yeah, not so much. It is going to be a slow road to get to that point, but it is a road that I am on and willing to continue taking. I am still having a hard time not focusing on what I am not apart of....do you ever feel like you are missing out on something?
I have taken a big step that will truly help me if I am diligent....so far so good. I have put myself out there and became 100% transparent because I know that is what I have to do in order to make progress. I realized recently that I have come soooooooo far from where I used to be in terms of my anxiety, and then realized that maybe anxiety is not the root of my issue. It has brought to my attention twice in three days that I may just be guilt ridden. In a previous post I wrote how I want to make things right with my mom and strive for that relationship that "normal" mother and daughters have. It was brought to my attention that it is not my fault that our relationship is the way that it is....it has not been decisions that I have made. I have allowed myself to think that I am less of a person because of it....I guess I feel more guilty than I should. I can't fully say at this point "that's true, I am just feeling guilty....problem solved" I'll work on it though. God is giving me more strength each day in allowing me to over come thoughts and worries.

Revelations

I wrote this while on my flight from FL to NH....my thoughts were racing, it was the only way to organize them.

It has come to me what I need to do….it the middle of a not so crowded florida airport. All week I have been able to discuss my anxiety issues and God used people to show that He is all in all….why I worry, I do not know. It is time for me to make Him real. I have never denied that He is God, but I have allowed myself to fall into the fake Christianity by playing and going through the motions. In the past I have prayed for zeal and He has given it to me. My anxiety has reached a point that it effects my health, that is not ok. I have purposed to get it under control….as soon as this plane lands. For some reason at thousands of feet in the air He is real to me and showing me what needs to be done. One area that I have been suppressing and passing off as ok is that of my relationship with my mom. She does not know the thoughts that I have, I have not been open with her about much. I show greater love and compassion to others than I do for the woman that carried me for nine months and had a hand in raising me. I must come across as bitter to others when I speak of my mom….I know that is not right. I am thinking that I need to come clean with her and lay out all that I have been through and my thoughts and how I do what to love her the way I should. She is a hard person to love, I feel like I do not have a lot in common with her. I know that it will be a difficult road to really loving my mom the way that a daughter should. I know that it has hurt her in the past to see me close with others and sharing my heart with everyone but her. I am not a mom yet, but desire to do so, and I can’t imagine my own flesh and blood harboring bitterness and anger. I admit, I am way more loving and kind to my mom now that I am older than I was even just a few years ago. I am realizing now that God has probably been preparing me for this little revelation. Ok, so that is one area…..another would have to be sitting down with Pastor and getting counsel about my anxiety. My Dr. has told me over and over that I need to get a counselor and I think I looked into it once but chose not to go through with it because the place she recommended was on a bad side of town…..stupid, eh….but is it thoughts like that that I have allowed to consume my every day life. I hate feeling like I am in danger and often think the worst of a situation and assume that worst will happen to me. Little things like driving from point A to point B is difficult, wondering if I will make it. Walking through a parking lot wondering if someone is going to jump out in front of me and attack is a daily occurrence. Constant fear for my life and safety are my biggest anxiety triggers. I know that it runs deeper. I have given my past to the Lord, but thoughts of why I can’t get pregnant I immediately blame on my past choices. “I am reaping what I have sown”. Someone told me this week “God doesn’t work that way”. That is so true, why would a God of love and mercy not give me what my heart desires because of past decisions. The past is just that….Past! I have to stop wanting attention from others and seek God’s face instead. I have always been the type of person who tends to be a little needy in my quest for attention. Usually it is with Godly ladies who I look up to. I long for one on one girl talk time where I can talk and listen. It is nice to have people like that in your life but they should not be the reason that you are down cast when they are not giving you the attention that you desire. I have had a few ladies in my life who I have just wanted to pour my heart out to with the hopes of attention and affection….a hug and feeling like they care is what usually gives me a high. I know reasons for that runs deep as well. I am now in a time in my life where things have changed….like a lot of things. Marriage, job, church, and just my circle of friends and family…all positive of course. But for someone who does not handle change real good and tends to get attached to people and circumstance, its been a hard change but one that I am trying to embrace more. I am not going to complain anymore that the people who once were so active and big parts of my life are just not there any more. There are people who can be there in the same way and instead of them trying to read me and figure me out, I need to go to them. I am in a new church that is a far cry from what I came from, but my church family is still filled with great genuine people. Instead of wishing I still had what I used to I need to embrace what God has given me in the here and now. So I am going to begin the honest effort to bring God back to number one and to get into His word and earnestly heed to it, rather than just reading the words on the page. Prayer is needed and it will be more than spouting off my needs before I fall asleep. I have a church family that shares prayer requests, as a sister in Christ I need to pray for their needs before mine. All that I am saying is nothing new to me, I have known all along what is true but for some reason continued to remain selfish. I had another little revelation this week….back when I was 16 I surrendered my life to full time service, answered the call with three semesters of Bible college and it has been on the back burner ever since. I know that I do not need a Bible college degree to serve, but I desire now more than ever to teach in a Christian School. I am not doubting that God has brought me down the path He has for a reason, and with the special education background that I have and the experience I have in schools, I look forward to using it. Public schools are in need of Christian teachers….but the places that I have fallen the most is in the midst of public school teachers and friends….not good. I will give it to the Lord….He knows my heart. It is all going to the Lord…..THIS IS MY PRAYER!

Endings Stink!

I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I have been loving my time in FL so much that I did not want to waste time blogging. But now, it is the day before I leave and all I want to do is cry because I do not want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my husband, but other than that I feel as though I have no ties left in NH. The past few months have been a season of change. Tim and I moved back to Manchster and found a new church. We love the church we joined, but Dorothy nailed it on the head when she said "There's no place like home". I feel like I have not been "me" since I left my home church when we got married. I really having a hard time finding what God wants for me. I am sure that the issue is that I am not trusting Him the way that I should be....my anxiety seems to be at a height these days and questions are plaguing my mind about what I should to do about it. Give it to God, I thought I did....maybe it was an idle prayer cause I did not believe deep down that my anxious state would be taken from me. I feel like going back on my meds will make things better, and then again I hate the idea of trusting a pill over my God! And now I am dreading tomorrow....even though I leave later in the day and will still have a good day here in FL, I just hate that it has to come to an end. I don't know if it is my emotions taking over, but I could totally find myself living here and making a life here. Tim says that it is a possibility once we both have our degrees. To me that is SO far away because I know that I have at least two years left of school. And that is another thing, I am starting to question if teaching is where I am supposed to be. I have been working in classrooms for seven years now and if anyone asks me I tell them how much I love it. But this year I am leaving my full time job as a special education aide and moving in a direction that is in a slightly different direction. Actually, I hate to say it, but it came down to $$. I will be starting next week working at the before school program in hooksett and the after school program at Northwest. That leaves a decent chunk in the middle of the day to do my school work so that I can focus on getting good grades. I also put my name on a sub list so that I can substitute teach, I figure that will help me decide if I really want to teach. I am comfortable in classrooms and working with kids but for the past years my role has been "helper" and now it will be "the one"....I will find out quickly if I am cut out to teach. But with the new job and new church and friends scarce, I just feel like I don'b belong where I am at. Again, it could just be my emotions. I spent four days with my mom in st pete, and it was ok...I never had a mother/daughter relationship with my mom, at least one that was not strong enough. I always have, and still do, envy girls and ladies that have that strong relationships with their mothers....that's wrong, I know. I think that is why I allow myself to get so attatched to ladies who are a Godly influence on me. After leaving St. Pete I have spent the remainder of my time in Ft Myers, 7 days, with my brother in law, sister in law, nephews, and niece. It's been nothing short of awesome. Even though Tropical storm Fay wore out her welcome, it was great to be with family. My sister in law and I were able to have some good talks about stuff and I think that there is still more to come if I can muster up the courage to say "we need to talk more"....I am a big bottle of junk and I can feel the junk slowly starting to leak out, I would rather pour it out so that maybe there would be a release of all this anxiousness that is built up. But if there is anyone I am going to miss dearly it will be her. When they left in July after being here for three weeks it was rough and I took it extremely hard. Tomorrow will be no exception....I will probably cry the entire plane ride. I guess my prayer is now that I will be able to deal with leaving better than I did when they left a month ago. It was a hard month and what seemed like the longest of my life....probably cause I was anticipating this trip so much. The school year usually flies by so I am anxious to get in a routine to get my mind off stuff. My mom said that she will pay for one ticket down to FL for Christmas, so it looks like we will be back down again soon but not soon enough in my eyes. That time will be "Operation Talk Tim into Moving Down Here".....I feel like once he understands how I feel about being down here and experiencing it with me he might be on the same page.
Well....it's a beautiful morning....the sun is shining through the window and the sky is blue. God paints beautiful pictures, I love it.

AH! I Can't Wait any Longer!

Only for days of work left before I board that plane and head to Florida!
Excitement does not even begin to describe how much I am looking forward to this trip. I don't know what else to say! I'm speechless!

ADD

Most of the time when I am in situations where I have to sit still and listen, I find my mind wandering....like to the point I do not even know what that speaker is talking about. This is not ok because I am in school. If a discussion or lecture is interesting then I don't have too much of a problem keeping my focus. So, I took an online quiz that rates my likely hood of Adult ADD and this is what came up afterward.

Broken Into Beautiful

I was reading my devotions yesterday morning and at the end of it was a link to a song called "Broken into Beautiful". The song is beautiful and meaningful. I searched all over the internet for the words of the song but turned up nothing. So, I spent some time writing the words down. It is a great song that is very true to my testimony.

She is smiling on the outside

But she is hurting on the inside

It’s getting hard just living anymore

And the shadow that she has clung to

Painful things that she has been through

Have left her feeling worthless and lost

But you change

Worthless into precious

Guilty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

And all the lies are shattered

We believe we matter

When you change broken into beautiful

We live with accusations

Sometimes heavy expectations

That tell us we can never measure up

Yet you repeat with mercy

That in your eyes we are worthy

And at last we see how much we’re loved

Cause you change

Worthless into precious

Guilty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

And all the lies are shattered

We believe we matter

When you change broken into beautiful

Though we can see how we can stand

Before your love

And feel valued, priceless, and adored

You change

Worthless into precious

Guilty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

You change

Worthless into precious

Guilty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

And all the lies are shattered

We believe we matter

When you change broken into beautiful

Soap Box

I will be getting on my soap box really soon....stay tuned, I'm formulating my thoughts into words that make sense.

Decisions

So I have a decision to make about work. School starts in about a month and I do not know what to do. I still have my job at Southside, but quite frankly I do not think I am the best fit for that school. I had too many miserable moments this past school year and I know for a fact that there are schools out there where I will be treated better. I have a few options at this point. As of right now I have a position working at the before school program in Hooksett, but I do not know if a job in a Hooksett school is available....it would be ideal if there was. I was told that there are many positions available in Auburn and that I could run the before school program there. The only thing that holds me back with Auburn is that I know NO ONE! At least at Southside and Hooksett I am comfortable and no people and how things work. There is also the option of just doing a before and after school program and being substitute teacher. I really do not know which way to lean at this point. I have given it to God and am just waiting for Him to open and close doors...He needs to show me what to do.

Prepositions

***I wrote this poem a few years ago, it is one of my favorites***

Prepositions
By Amanda Weeks-Boutchia

The path below
Is for me
To trod and break ground
And claim it as my own

The sky above
Gives to me
A picture of the creator
Who guides my daily walk

The pounding inside
Tells me why
I do what I do
And the reason my life is worth living

Faces all around
Remind me
Of who I am
And the mission that I have been given

The future beyond
Is to me
Very unclear. But if I give my all
And look to Him,
I can be what I want to be

Yipppeeeee!!!!

Yeah! I booked my flight to Florida for my vacation in August. I leave on the 15th and return on the 26th! Super psyched!
I still have not heard from my friend Heather in Jacksonville....if I do end up spending time with her, this is probably what my itinerary will look like.
8/15 arrive in tampa and go to st. pete
8/18 bus to Jacksonville to see heather
8/21 bus back to St. Pete
8/22 bus to Ft Meyers to see fam
8/25 bus back to St Pete
8/26 fly back to Manchester

If Jacksonville does not work out my itinerary will probably look like this:
8/15 arrive in Tampa and go to St. Pete
8/19 Bus to Ft. Meyers to see fam
8/25 Bus back to St. Pete
8/26 Fly back to Manchester

The above schedule was for my own benefit....I am great at writing things down and losing them. Of course, schedule is subject to change. WOOOO! SO EXCITED!

A Letter to My Friends

I did not write this but it is good. I find it very hard to verbalize to people what I deal with on a daily basis....the person who wrote this nailed every aspect on the head.

Dear non-anxiety disorder sufferer,

There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition.
I am not necessarily shy, that's not what having an anxiety disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me is trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitized to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away.

I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen.

I am working really hard to combat my anxiety disorder. Some days I start to give up because I've been fighting for so long and it doesn't seem to change, or I make progress and then I backslide. It's inevitable that I get depressed and may not seem to be working to help myself. Having an anxiety disorder is really hard and I promise I'm doing what I can. Much of the fight that goes on with my condition happens inside the head, so while it might not seem like I am trying to help myself, I am.

I am constantly exhausted. If your body went through intense terror each day (or sometimes, just occasionally) and then crashed, you'd be exhausted too. I have to make myself move when I am crashing and sometimes I just have to sleep. My body doesn't present that as an option; it's just an order- "You. Sleep. Now". Sometimes I don't get things done because I am tired. Please don't get mad at me if I don't always do everything I am supposed to do- it can be a real struggle to do little things that most people don't think twice about, like walking into a store, running errands, sometimes even leaving my house.

Some of my behavior might seem pretty odd at times. I might make someone go with me to places I ought to be able to go to alone because I need a "safe" person there. I might come off as clingy and dependent on others, but my rationale is not what you might assume- "safe" people are our anchors to sanity. Real or not, we assume we can count on them to help us if we become terrified, and that can make the difference between fleeing a place or being able to stick it out. We develop triggers in specific places and that place, as innocuous as it might seem to you, scares me to death. I don't want to feel that way; it's embarrassing, but I do. How would you feel if you were terrified out of your mind in a place or around a person you know is harmless in your heart?

I try many things to combat my anxiety. If you've heard about a technique, I've probably heard about it. I've tried meditation, yoga, acupuncture, keeping active, positive self-talk, cognitive behavioral therapy, regular therapy, and medication, among things. I've probably tried lots of different medication. Anxiety disorder (and depression, since the two are often linked) get treated with strong medication, and strong medication has side-effects. When I am trying new medications I might be "off" and irrational. Please forgive me, it's not me, it's the meds. Also, some meds make me extra tired or dizzy or any number of other things that aren't my normal or desired state. Most medication used to treat anxiety is something the body becomes accustomed to over time, so the dosage must be increased. Occasionally I may relapse when I am not expecting it. I don't necessarily know the cause.

Please don't tease me when I am experiencing a panic attack- it's horrible enough without you ridiculing me. You wouldn't be laughing if you were the one whose body was revolting in fear. I'm not making anything up, I'm not trying to use panic attacks as an excuse not to do things, and I surely don't want to be a burden on you or effect your life negatively. Knowing I sometimes am and sometimes do adds to the misery of the condition. What I really need is for you to let me hold your hand or your arm tightly at times, and to humor me and just tell me it isn't real and I don't have to be scared, even if it's the millionth time you've said it. Tell me you'll protect me and I might just believe you, because I want to so badly. I want to be tough and independent and in control, but something (psychological and chemical) inside of me sometimes holds me back.

Anxiety disorders are almost always genetic and are chemically related, though they're often triggered by a traumatic event. Before realizing what is happening to us, most anxiety disorder sufferers go through a terrible period of thinking that we're dying when we're having a panic attack, or that something terrible is about to happen to us, etc. It's impossible to understand when it first happens.

Many of us live in terror of letting other people know we're freaking out, so while we might seem normal, in control, and calm, our insides are often a different story. It's ok to tell us we seem stabler or more confident- we'll appreciate you noticing. Just know that sometimes it might be an illusion, sometimes true one day but not the next. Acting like a period of anxiety is a result of something we didn't do is a double-blow, the first one being our own senses of failure for not being able to just "tough it out", "grin and bear it" etc.

Sometimes, just walking into a room by ourselves is the accomplishment of the day. Sometimes, we could lead a parade. Please, give us the credit for living with something so tough and managing to do anything. Please, just support us and help us, and listen to us. It's natural to get annoyed sometimes, but if you're annoyed, we're probably beating ourselves up because we're a self-critical group. That's part of how we got this way, by being too self-aware.

We are trying to win the battle, but some days we just want to give up.

Thanks, and we love those who help us,

Your friend with an anxiety disorder

FL...Maybe...Yes!

So my last day of work for the summer is August 14th and I will have a couple weeks off until school starts. I had this amazing idea to go visit my old college roommate in Jacksonville, FL....flights are wicked cheap right now! Quite frankly, I did not think my man would go for it, but upon mentioning it he said "well how about I make that your Christmas present?" Um, I have the best husband EVER! So I guess its a go, just waiting to hear from Heather to make sure she has the time available. It will be so awesome....last time I saw Heather was when I was her maid of honor in 2001. My only fear is HURRICANE!

Not a Fan of Mondays

Back to work this morning...7am came way too quick. I can't complain though, my job is not that tough. Below are pictures of Mikey, the boy I am spending my summer with. Most days we walk outside for most of the morning....he loves to be moving. He will only sit in one spot if there is something noisy to listen to. Like today, there were landscapers and they were mowing the lawn, he laughed so hard. The second picture is mikey just after he got out of the pool....he forgot his comb :) (blog continues after pics)



So my dr. keeps telling that I need to get counseling....I'm a little leary to do that, but at this point I need to do something. I have been off anxiety meds for the sole purpose of getting pregnant. But since then I constantly get that "flight or fight" feeling....a few times a day at least. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have done all I can to get rid of this anxiety issue. Ugh.

Family Rocks!

Another day of goodbyes....the remainder of my relatives from Florida are heading home tomorrow. My little neice is the cutest, sweetest, most adorable little girl I have ever met in my entire life...there is a picture below to prove it. She told that me when she goes back to school in the fall and is asked what her favorite part of her summer was, she said that it was her girly day out with her aunties. Being an auntie pretty much gives me free reign to spoil the little tykes, fill them with sugar and goodies, and then send them home....wish I could have kept her here a little longer.

The next picture is a pretty big deal. It is Tim, and two of his brothers and they all have goatees...this is big cause his oldest brother NEVER has any facial hair EVER!

Tears

I was really over emotional yesterday....feeling like I was on the verge of tears all day. A few times I did just break down and cry. I am taking this whole situation so much harder than I ever anticipated. I did chat online with Darla and Johnny last night....it was good to do that, like therapy :)
Why I am up this early is beyond me.

Pink Ladies

This is a picture that I will cherish for a long time. Of course there is a story behind it, so I will explain. My sister-in-law from Florida came up here with a mission to find a pink Red Sox t-shirt. It took three weeks but myself and my other sister in law found them....of course we all had to get one. The second one we morphed two family members who we sooooo wanted to be there but they were gone on a trip of their own to see family.

Why must good things end?

For the past three weeks I have been really getting to know Tim's brother and family from Florida. Pretty much everyday has been something....whether its dinner at the in-laws, dinner out, a day trip, or a week away--we have spent so much time together since they got here. The past few days have been bitter sweet because as great as it has been to eat out, go bowling, eat ice cream, and have poop talks, it is all coming to end. Tonight was great and horrible all at the same time. Seventeen people crammed into my in-laws less than large home for an amazing spaghetti dinner. I am guessing in a way it was the perfect send off. My sister-in-law and nephew are flying out bright and early tomorrow morning....saying goodbye to my sister in law royally sucked (there is no other word to describe it). Tears were flowing every where....and the ride home was not any different. I feel like I was really able to grow close to them, especially my sister in law. When the whole fam was out here for the wedding I did not get the chance to really get to know them or even have conversation that did not revolve around wedding plans. But the past three weeks have been so awesome. It is great to be part of a family that is so close. And now....the countdown to Christmas.
The highlight of today had to be spending time with my "local" sister in law and our niece from Florida. We had a girly day of shopping and getting our nails done....complete with a tiara. That little five year is a hearty shopper and will one day have a closet and shoe collection that will put me to shame. It was an aweseome time.

Halfway

I love this four day work week! By the time Tuesday is done I can say that my work week is half over, it is an amazing feeling :)
Today was nothing short of bizarre. The morning started with a heavy backup on I93. It was enough to get you frustrated but in the end made you laugh because the backup was due to a loose horse. That's right, only in New Hampsha will a horse cross the interstate during rush hour. The most hilarious part of it all was the five police officers all starring at this gigantic beast and doing absolutely nothing...one did have a rope, what he hoped to do with it was beyond me. At this hour, the horse is still lose.
Later this morning I got word that my grandmother was in the hospital again. She a mild heart attack when I was up in North Conway and ended up having a stent put in. She was released to go home two days later. This morning around three she called herself an ambulance because she knew that she was experiencing a urinary tract infection. It is a good thing she did, she ended up needing a blood transfusion.
After I got home from work Tim and I went right to the hospital....she is doing well and may be able to go home tomorrow.
So now I am home and still have not unpacked from our week away...Wipeout is on in five minutes so it will just have to wait until tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that :)
My brother and sister-in-law from Florida are only here a few more days. I am a bit bummed out that I have to work this week cause I know I am missing out on a bunch of day trips. We are going out with them thursday night and friday morning....its going to be hard saying goodbye, I've grown fond of them :)
Alright, I'm out

Reality

Back to "work" today....I use that term loosely because my summer job is pretty easy. Today is actually only my second day working with Mikey and it was much less overwhelming than it was the one day I worked last week. I think he likes me. Mikey is 14 years old and has multiple disabilities, he can't walk or talk but has a personality to boot. The highlight of the day was swimming in the pool with him and entertaining him with pouring water on his head :)
I should be making dinner or doing all that vacation laundry...but my motivation is low...I'm exhausted.
I wish I was still on vacation:)
Tim and I would like to spend Christmas in Florida this year since we both have family that resides only a few hours from each other. You would think that flights out there would be cheap right now since it is only July....but no, they are super expensive. I put my friend Sarah on the task of finding us the best deal.

**A few words about Coldstone Creamery**
Cake n' Shake....we are meant for each other
AAAAAAMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAZZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGG

Back from the north country

It is pretty sad to see the end of a two week vacation, even worse is that tomorrow is Monday.

I just spent the past week in North Conway, NH with many extended Boutchia's, some of which I meant for the first time. First impression--a little overwhelming. Tim and I stayed in a house with his brothers and their families. I have met all of them before, so that part was easy. But I feel like I was too quiet....I hate that. I feel like people can't get to know me because of my demeanor. My Tim's brother from Florida and his family are here for another week. I am a little bummed that I have to go back to work this week cause I was hoping to spend more time with them....they are pretty much awesome, and again I feel like they have not had the chance to truly get to know me. I really want to spend more time with my sister-in-law before they head back to Florida....she's a hoot and made me a laugh way too much this past week. She probably thinks I am a dork. But I had a blast any way with all my nephews and one niece. Being with all them this week only makes me want kids more and more. There was one point this week, and I can't remember exactly what was going one, but I actually got a bit teary eyed just watching everyone interact their kids....I want it so bad, but I realize that it has to be in God's timing.
I love that I start writing about one thing and leave that thought and go on to something completely irrelevant. So....my vacation-- the main event was my father-in-law's 60th birthday. The entire week was a surprise to him and all the people that traveled from Oklahoma and Texas to be there was the big surprise. Everyday brought a new reunion, it was pretty cool. The house we stayed in was immense and had a hot tub and a game room, we brought the Wii which lead to some good times with our nephews and niece. We did alot of eating out at pretty cool places with such names as "The Red Fox", "Muddy Moose", and "Peaches"....true north country atmosphere in all. Tubing down the Saco River proved to be frustrating and relaxing all at the same time. Highlight of the week had to be shopping at the outlets on three different occasions. Oh, can't forget about riding the train with Thomas the Tank Engine...it was neat to see the kids really enjoying themselves...and I saw "Mrs. Slowsy" :)
So the week is over and reality will come at 7am tomorrow.