Another DUH!

He DOES care for our needs, and that has been such a DUH revelation for me this past week. So many simple things that I have heard so many times before are making sense to me. I probably only heard them in the past and chose not to heed. For a while I went through a "woe is me" kind of thing believing that no one could possibly understand what I was dealing with....including God. But this whole time it has been God's way of getting my attention to trust Him more. There are others who have been through bouts of anxiety and depression, and some far worse than I have been. I am definitely not the on fire Christian I should be, but I can see myself heading that way. And I am excited for what God has in store for the future rather than worrying about it. This summer was a funk for me....and I feel so bad about not being myself in July when tons of family were...I made a horrible first impression. But I think it was that that made me realize that this is not something I can ignore. Even my trip to florida, I was a ball of anxiousness. And most of the time I can't put my finger on why. I have been surrounded by family and people who truly do love and care for me so it kills me that all the Boutchia's I have met over the past year have not really met the real me....I am much less of a mess :)

DUH

The two people I am counseling with gave me homework....I have had to read The Sermon on the Mount twice already and I have to read it one more time. Each time I read I have to write down two or three verses that stick out to me. I don't know how many times I have had those chapters read to me or I have read them, but for some reason God is showing so much more than I ever saw before. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..." I've seen and heard that verse preached so many times, but when I read it for the second time today I had a "DUH" moment! Why I worry so much about the future, I don't know, and it will take some serious training of my brain to break away from that, but what refuge I can take in that verse. Oh, and I have a memory verse each week too....I don't think I have had to sit down and memorize verses since I was in high school. As overwhelming as monday was, and looking back at how much I just opened up, it freed me a bit to being more open to others. I think a big part of my anxiousness is knowing that I am holding things back from people that I am close to. I mean I am not going to go and tell every one I know about my past and the fact that I am going to counseling, but there are a handful of people who I think deserve to know....like three :) Just writing this and rereading it, I can see that more of my issue is guilt. It has actually been refreshing to nail that issue, cause I know that all I have to do is pray that away :) I am really excited to see how this process pans out....

Gettin' There

This is the part where I say that I have turned over a new leaf and am embracing everyday as a new day and not getting caught up with the past or what I aspire for the future. Yeah, not so much. It is going to be a slow road to get to that point, but it is a road that I am on and willing to continue taking. I am still having a hard time not focusing on what I am not apart of....do you ever feel like you are missing out on something?
I have taken a big step that will truly help me if I am diligent....so far so good. I have put myself out there and became 100% transparent because I know that is what I have to do in order to make progress. I realized recently that I have come soooooooo far from where I used to be in terms of my anxiety, and then realized that maybe anxiety is not the root of my issue. It has brought to my attention twice in three days that I may just be guilt ridden. In a previous post I wrote how I want to make things right with my mom and strive for that relationship that "normal" mother and daughters have. It was brought to my attention that it is not my fault that our relationship is the way that it is....it has not been decisions that I have made. I have allowed myself to think that I am less of a person because of it....I guess I feel more guilty than I should. I can't fully say at this point "that's true, I am just feeling guilty....problem solved" I'll work on it though. God is giving me more strength each day in allowing me to over come thoughts and worries.