God is with you

I have some out of state family members that are going through a tough time, I want more than anything to be there for them.....my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, nephews....I wish I could just send them a hug and comfort of some sort. I am horrible at verbalizing how I feel, I do much better through writing. I rummaged through some of the old poems that I wrote and the following two poems I am giving to my Florida fam.

The first poem has no name....I originally wrote it for a good friend who lost her mother.

Sometimes it seems as though
Our life is just too much to bear.
And you are dealing with so much
And in your eyes, it doesn’t seem fair.
You go about your day
With so much on your mind,
All you do is wait
And look for answers of some kind.

But I want you to know, my friend
That everything in time will pass.
I believe in a higher power,
And to Him your burdens have been cast.
I have prayerfully asked Him
To help you through this time.
Please trust and know
That soon, everything will be fine.

This one I wrote for another friend who was going through a really hard time in her life.
Darla....this one is for you!

The Beauty Inside

Your days are hard
Your thoughts overwhelming
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you standing

You tears are many
Your heart is sad
But the beauty inside you
Will keep you glad

You may feel afraid
You may feel alone
But the beauty inside you
Is all that is shown

You have people who love
You have friends who care
And the beauty inside you
Will keep them there

Changes

So I am the type of person who feels the need to rationalize everything, I like to have answers and know why things happen. This past week has been exceptionally trying for me. Sleeping has become a luxury so I have had alot of time to reflect. In the past year I have gone through many changes, and some of them have been in a real short time. I got married, moved twice, new jobs, new church, and pretty much any circle of friends I had a year ago are all in different circles now. Anything that I knew to be solid and stable is pretty much not anymore. I am not in a bad place or anything, it is just I feel like I am leading a completely different life now than I did even just one year ago. It is alot to adjust to in such a short amount of time....especially for me. I like change, but too much change throws me through a loop. I think this week it is kind of all hitting me all at once. With my new job I have a different routine now, I no longer leave the house at 7:20am and return at 3pm....Now I leave at 6:25am, return by 9am, then leave again about 1:30pm and return home by 6pm. I love my jobs, but I do feel like I have a little more down time than normal. I dropped my classes for the semester because they were getting a little overwhelming, so now I really have alot of time. When I have time, I think....but for me my thinking often turns to worry and I become anxious, and this week my anxiousness has become very physical and it is wearing me down.
I miss my church family from EBC like crazy, I feel like my ties have been severed and I will never have the close relationships with people there that I used to. I miss my old job...well, I miss the aspect of working with kids and some of the teachers. Marriage has been nothing short of awesome and is a change that I have gladly accepted and embraced, but being the non social type person that I am, I am having a hard time getting myself into my new church family and forming relations with those I see on a daily basis.
I pray consistently that God fill all this free time I have with a child....I know it will happen in God's time, but a thought that I keep having is "I wouldn't be so bored if I had a kid right now". I realize having children is completely different ball game, my it is something that both Tim and I desire to be a part of. God could very well be preparing us, it is my prayer that He does.
I talked to my sister-in-law tonight....I like it when we talk, e mails and text messages are nice but not as personal. I love that she listens to me, passes zero judgement, tells me what she thinks, and truly cares. I don't open up to many people so when the opportunity presents itself it makes my heart very glad.
The Red Sox are making me upset right now! Come on boys....Kick some Ray butt!!!!

Insomnia

So it is almost 2am and I am awake....still. I thought I did everything I could to get myself to sleep tonight....sleepytime tea, warm bath, benadryl. And, I prayed like I never prayed before. It was eye opening actually....I just thanked God for every blessing that I could think of, prayed for my family members by name, and of course prayed that I would be able to relax and sleep. I am out on the couch now, Tim stayed home tonight because he isn't feeling well.....he is sleeping like a log though. Today I cried so much I thought for sure I would just crash and sleep...my boss sent me home from work after only being there for a half hour, I couldn't seem to stop the tears. On top of not being able to sleep, my anxiety seems to be pretty high....it's effecting me physically. I feel like I may have a full blown anxiety attack at any minute....kind of wish I would, they usually drain me and make me want to sleep. I am contemplating nyquil, it helped the past two nights in getting some sleep....but I worry about the mixing of it with the benadryl....see how my mind works, I worry about each scenario. I took benadryl at 9:30pm and it says to take it every 4-6 hours, its been almost five. But I over analyze and worry that I may do harm if I take nyquil before six hours. I could just call my mom or step mom, they are both nurses....just had a dizzy spell, mini attack. Anyway, one of my mom's would be able to tell me if I am ok to take something. I like to be reassured. I've called them in the middle of the night many times when I have symptoms that I haven't had before. A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night with a rash and I called my step mom....she humered me, talked me through it and told me to take some benadryl....it is a good thing that Tim was home that night cause I might have lost it if I was home alone. I always worry that the worst case scenario might happen to me. I watched something on discovery or tlc a while ago...it was about these people who have this condition where they all of a sudden can't sleep....like ever, and it ultimately takes their life. Not gonna lie, I worry that could be me. Last year I had two days no sleep, but slept like a baby on the third night....I'm on night four and nothing. When i came out to the living room and booted up my computer, I got on my knees and prayed again....i yawed, that was reassuring. My eyes feel a little heavy right now, maybe I should try and close them and see what happens.