Funny How....

I feel as though my writing is when I figure things out. I often find myself writing e mails and then realizing things as I write. On January 29th I was writing an e mail that was supposed to just be a quick note to let them know something. Here is an excerpt:

...."We didn't have church last night because of the weather....we have missed so many services just in the past 6 weeks because of the weather, honestly, it is starting to wear on me spiritually....I need to be fed! I have fallen into the rut before of going through the motions and it was a scary place to be. I knew that I wasn't cold to the things of God but I knew I wasn't on fire either, and He wants to spew "lukewarm" out...I sense that I am heading in that direction again. And I am not blaming it on not going to church, it is definitely something in my heart, it just bugs me that I don't look forward to going to church like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I love my pastor and my church family is full of very genuine people, but there is something to be said about making connections and relationships with other people, I am just not getting that at all...I miss that sooooo much. When I was at my church before we got married there were so many ladies that I just adored and looked up to, and even though I know I could still call them anytime and even drop by there place once and a while, it is just not the same as seeing them three times a week and just having those close bonds. Being someone who grew up without a mom in the house, I have always looked to Godly ladies in the church for guidance and wisdom, it is very much something I always longed for. And now that it is missing, I just feel a bit empty...ya know. I just wish I could relate to someone there a little more. I guess it is a little harder in a small church...I mean, the only woman who is even close to my age is a single parent, I don't know how to relate to that....and Tim and I are the ONLY married couple who don't have children. I fear getting back to that spiritual condition that I was in a few years ago. At that time I was very aware that I had lost the joy of my salvation and zeal for the things of God...granted I was sleeping around and getting involved with people and things that were not a good influence on me and I was stubburn in not wanting to give those things up. But I, along with a good handful of people at church, were praying that I would get my zeal back that that God would seem real to me and that is when I got in my bad car accident. I FEAR the same kind of wake up call happening again. I am trying to remember the feelings I had when all that happend cause it worked and I couldn't do enough for God....it was a fire that I never experienced before. I don't want to get to that point again though...I fear praying the words "Lord help me get my zeal back"...i know it's retarded to think that way...welcome to the inside of my head, careful one wrong turn and your stuck for a while. So, not too sure why I just exploded all that information...apparently it was needed. I said all that to say, it is good that your revival is going good...we all need it at times....."

Can't Give Up Now

**lyrics by Mary Mary**

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me(so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

**big sigh**

It seems my bouts of anxiety are growing further and fewer between. But, when they are here they seem to be worse than ever. Just when I think I am doing ok, reality comes back to hit me square in the eye.

Pray for the Birons

Jen is my cousin and her husband Ben was just deployed overseas. Jen just found out she was pregnant and will be staying with her parents in Wisconsin while her husband is in Iraq. Below is a clip from Fox news in TX, Ben and Jen were part of the interview. Jen was very bold in saying God will be her strength through this time.

Jen, I love you to pieces....it's kind of weird to see ourselves as real adults now leading our own separate lives when we spent so much of our childhood together. You are going to make it through this, your faith in God is one of the strongest I know. I know that God will bless this time for you, and the little life inside you.