Revelations

I wrote this while on my flight from FL to NH....my thoughts were racing, it was the only way to organize them.

It has come to me what I need to do….it the middle of a not so crowded florida airport. All week I have been able to discuss my anxiety issues and God used people to show that He is all in all….why I worry, I do not know. It is time for me to make Him real. I have never denied that He is God, but I have allowed myself to fall into the fake Christianity by playing and going through the motions. In the past I have prayed for zeal and He has given it to me. My anxiety has reached a point that it effects my health, that is not ok. I have purposed to get it under control….as soon as this plane lands. For some reason at thousands of feet in the air He is real to me and showing me what needs to be done. One area that I have been suppressing and passing off as ok is that of my relationship with my mom. She does not know the thoughts that I have, I have not been open with her about much. I show greater love and compassion to others than I do for the woman that carried me for nine months and had a hand in raising me. I must come across as bitter to others when I speak of my mom….I know that is not right. I am thinking that I need to come clean with her and lay out all that I have been through and my thoughts and how I do what to love her the way I should. She is a hard person to love, I feel like I do not have a lot in common with her. I know that it will be a difficult road to really loving my mom the way that a daughter should. I know that it has hurt her in the past to see me close with others and sharing my heart with everyone but her. I am not a mom yet, but desire to do so, and I can’t imagine my own flesh and blood harboring bitterness and anger. I admit, I am way more loving and kind to my mom now that I am older than I was even just a few years ago. I am realizing now that God has probably been preparing me for this little revelation. Ok, so that is one area…..another would have to be sitting down with Pastor and getting counsel about my anxiety. My Dr. has told me over and over that I need to get a counselor and I think I looked into it once but chose not to go through with it because the place she recommended was on a bad side of town…..stupid, eh….but is it thoughts like that that I have allowed to consume my every day life. I hate feeling like I am in danger and often think the worst of a situation and assume that worst will happen to me. Little things like driving from point A to point B is difficult, wondering if I will make it. Walking through a parking lot wondering if someone is going to jump out in front of me and attack is a daily occurrence. Constant fear for my life and safety are my biggest anxiety triggers. I know that it runs deeper. I have given my past to the Lord, but thoughts of why I can’t get pregnant I immediately blame on my past choices. “I am reaping what I have sown”. Someone told me this week “God doesn’t work that way”. That is so true, why would a God of love and mercy not give me what my heart desires because of past decisions. The past is just that….Past! I have to stop wanting attention from others and seek God’s face instead. I have always been the type of person who tends to be a little needy in my quest for attention. Usually it is with Godly ladies who I look up to. I long for one on one girl talk time where I can talk and listen. It is nice to have people like that in your life but they should not be the reason that you are down cast when they are not giving you the attention that you desire. I have had a few ladies in my life who I have just wanted to pour my heart out to with the hopes of attention and affection….a hug and feeling like they care is what usually gives me a high. I know reasons for that runs deep as well. I am now in a time in my life where things have changed….like a lot of things. Marriage, job, church, and just my circle of friends and family…all positive of course. But for someone who does not handle change real good and tends to get attached to people and circumstance, its been a hard change but one that I am trying to embrace more. I am not going to complain anymore that the people who once were so active and big parts of my life are just not there any more. There are people who can be there in the same way and instead of them trying to read me and figure me out, I need to go to them. I am in a new church that is a far cry from what I came from, but my church family is still filled with great genuine people. Instead of wishing I still had what I used to I need to embrace what God has given me in the here and now. So I am going to begin the honest effort to bring God back to number one and to get into His word and earnestly heed to it, rather than just reading the words on the page. Prayer is needed and it will be more than spouting off my needs before I fall asleep. I have a church family that shares prayer requests, as a sister in Christ I need to pray for their needs before mine. All that I am saying is nothing new to me, I have known all along what is true but for some reason continued to remain selfish. I had another little revelation this week….back when I was 16 I surrendered my life to full time service, answered the call with three semesters of Bible college and it has been on the back burner ever since. I know that I do not need a Bible college degree to serve, but I desire now more than ever to teach in a Christian School. I am not doubting that God has brought me down the path He has for a reason, and with the special education background that I have and the experience I have in schools, I look forward to using it. Public schools are in need of Christian teachers….but the places that I have fallen the most is in the midst of public school teachers and friends….not good. I will give it to the Lord….He knows my heart. It is all going to the Lord…..THIS IS MY PRAYER!

Endings Stink!

I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but I have been loving my time in FL so much that I did not want to waste time blogging. But now, it is the day before I leave and all I want to do is cry because I do not want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my husband, but other than that I feel as though I have no ties left in NH. The past few months have been a season of change. Tim and I moved back to Manchster and found a new church. We love the church we joined, but Dorothy nailed it on the head when she said "There's no place like home". I feel like I have not been "me" since I left my home church when we got married. I really having a hard time finding what God wants for me. I am sure that the issue is that I am not trusting Him the way that I should be....my anxiety seems to be at a height these days and questions are plaguing my mind about what I should to do about it. Give it to God, I thought I did....maybe it was an idle prayer cause I did not believe deep down that my anxious state would be taken from me. I feel like going back on my meds will make things better, and then again I hate the idea of trusting a pill over my God! And now I am dreading tomorrow....even though I leave later in the day and will still have a good day here in FL, I just hate that it has to come to an end. I don't know if it is my emotions taking over, but I could totally find myself living here and making a life here. Tim says that it is a possibility once we both have our degrees. To me that is SO far away because I know that I have at least two years left of school. And that is another thing, I am starting to question if teaching is where I am supposed to be. I have been working in classrooms for seven years now and if anyone asks me I tell them how much I love it. But this year I am leaving my full time job as a special education aide and moving in a direction that is in a slightly different direction. Actually, I hate to say it, but it came down to $$. I will be starting next week working at the before school program in hooksett and the after school program at Northwest. That leaves a decent chunk in the middle of the day to do my school work so that I can focus on getting good grades. I also put my name on a sub list so that I can substitute teach, I figure that will help me decide if I really want to teach. I am comfortable in classrooms and working with kids but for the past years my role has been "helper" and now it will be "the one"....I will find out quickly if I am cut out to teach. But with the new job and new church and friends scarce, I just feel like I don'b belong where I am at. Again, it could just be my emotions. I spent four days with my mom in st pete, and it was ok...I never had a mother/daughter relationship with my mom, at least one that was not strong enough. I always have, and still do, envy girls and ladies that have that strong relationships with their mothers....that's wrong, I know. I think that is why I allow myself to get so attatched to ladies who are a Godly influence on me. After leaving St. Pete I have spent the remainder of my time in Ft Myers, 7 days, with my brother in law, sister in law, nephews, and niece. It's been nothing short of awesome. Even though Tropical storm Fay wore out her welcome, it was great to be with family. My sister in law and I were able to have some good talks about stuff and I think that there is still more to come if I can muster up the courage to say "we need to talk more"....I am a big bottle of junk and I can feel the junk slowly starting to leak out, I would rather pour it out so that maybe there would be a release of all this anxiousness that is built up. But if there is anyone I am going to miss dearly it will be her. When they left in July after being here for three weeks it was rough and I took it extremely hard. Tomorrow will be no exception....I will probably cry the entire plane ride. I guess my prayer is now that I will be able to deal with leaving better than I did when they left a month ago. It was a hard month and what seemed like the longest of my life....probably cause I was anticipating this trip so much. The school year usually flies by so I am anxious to get in a routine to get my mind off stuff. My mom said that she will pay for one ticket down to FL for Christmas, so it looks like we will be back down again soon but not soon enough in my eyes. That time will be "Operation Talk Tim into Moving Down Here".....I feel like once he understands how I feel about being down here and experiencing it with me he might be on the same page.
Well....it's a beautiful morning....the sun is shining through the window and the sky is blue. God paints beautiful pictures, I love it.

AH! I Can't Wait any Longer!

Only for days of work left before I board that plane and head to Florida!
Excitement does not even begin to describe how much I am looking forward to this trip. I don't know what else to say! I'm speechless!

ADD

Most of the time when I am in situations where I have to sit still and listen, I find my mind wandering....like to the point I do not even know what that speaker is talking about. This is not ok because I am in school. If a discussion or lecture is interesting then I don't have too much of a problem keeping my focus. So, I took an online quiz that rates my likely hood of Adult ADD and this is what came up afterward.